feelings.

[Demahdi]

I am having trouble putting that in context. What do You mean? Lol

 

[Finarfin]

Well it's ok I guess, I have my daily shower, food, coffee, bud...
It's not that I am bum man, I am still part of this society. I did not choose it, but I was too stubborn to do anyting about it.

I am not sure I will answer this questions

Once those gates open...

You don,t have to answer questions.
It doens,t matter what your situation is. The point of this thread is how you feel about it.
you can feel depressed or okay or fine about your situation.
It,s just a simple question, how do you feel. how do you feel mentaly, physically, emotionally.

i am not someone who is happy and balanced all the time. I am trying to seek the balance. There is some place inside that makes me want to be the best i can be. The will is there. It,s wants to get out. However every time i encounter places of resistance that blocks the energy of getting out.
Everyday i try to tackle these places of resistance, these mental stumbleling blocks. I have been strugling with myself for a long time. since whenever i can remember. But i noticed that as i get older, memorries of being a child without any worries come back a little bit.

I am still trying to follow my dreams and follow my hearth. I still want to make myself the best i can. it is a very positve feeling that gives you the energy to do what you want.

 

[Brugmansia]

That being on solid ground does not depend on whether one owns a big house (lots of own space around him or her) or merely a car.

 

[Demahdi]

Well let me explain something, I was a hard working guy, bought a home, garden, wife, kids, dog, …. You know, the average picture. It was a needle in my brain though, it sounds great, but it was awful when I look back at it. And me being a “bum” now may sound awful, but it’s great lol. It has matured me in fast forward at specific levels. Between this divorce and becoming homeless I was exploring myself and my new relationship. My girlfriend and I know each other from highschool. We always had a great connection in a certain way, she’s the better me. And the way we hooked up again is again a story of pure synchronicity, that I feel I may have triggered. This is how it happened:

I was at work and I heard our song on the radio, the song we had our first dance on in our youth. I thought of her, and how things would be with her. At that time I did not see her for 15 years. I did not have Facebook, we had no data to contact each other. But a week later I get a text from her. She went through a lot of efforts to get my phone number and eventually an old friend of mine gave it to her. So she contacts me, I make facebook, we start talking, we hook up and we never split up again. She lives very far away from my work so I decide to come back to my hometown. My hometown has turned into a ghetto now. And you know how I feel about that, right?

Eventually I find a job over here but it seems I’m dealing with a depression, how could I not given the circumstances. I have my oldest daughter on the phone crying daily talking how much she misses me, I’m driving back and forth which is being more expensive then the money I make now. I feel quite guilty so I feel I have to make up for all the missed time, but I know I never can. My youngest starts walking, talking, she changes so much every time I see her and I will never forget the pain I felt realizing I just left them behind not planning anything. How could I have lived so blind, a lot is being exposed now and I have flashbacks of regret, guilt, … The cause that lead me into blindness has been taking care off though. We are now 1 year further.

After becoming aware of this problem I really started working on my psyche because I owe them my life, I owe them everything. And that is the page I am working on today. With success I may add, because we saved up and are looking for decent places to live now. I feel a lot of guilt, but while feeling it I’m causing other events to happen that put a smile on everybody’s face. In the end, love is the best feeling we can share, it’s free. It isn’t about providing money for your family alone, money is the big scam.
I am exploring the power of Nothing, and it seems to be a quite powerful absolute power.

 

[Demahdi]

That being on solid ground does not depend on whether one owns a big house (lots of own space around him or her) or merely a car.

Sorry
Well I experience you do need a certain basis, a fridge, a table to eat, warm water, ... it has become sacred sites to me lol.
Imagine yourself being lost in the forest for weeks, suddenly you smell McDonalds....
I love society!!!!!!

 

[Finarfin]

That being on solid ground does not depend on whether one owns a big house (lots of own space around him or her) or merely a car.

That,s what i am trying to say. Some people who choose to be homeless and or unemployed may be much happier and balanced then people who have a job and a house.

 

[Finarfin]

when i read what you wrote, it seems to me like you have been trough a typical crisis that people go through when they get older.
When people mature at some point they start to think about existencial questions. They start to think about what they want to do the rest of there lives. They may get a feeling of unease and unrest. A feeling they need to do something or change something. They start to think and feel more, emotions start to open up.
Memories come back.

from what you wrote i understand that you have been trough some sort of crisis and are now getting out of it and starting to build a new life.
Ofcourse you feel bad about missing your childeren. How could you not be. It seems lik you are trying to work things out in a positive way.
Your former situation was (you wrote) awfull, you felt so bad about your situation, you felt the need to make a new situation for yourself. a transformation of the situation, but also of the self. first you transformed into a bum in a car But your transformation is not ready jet. The bum thing is not for you. From what you wrote i get the feeling you have a positive atittude.

 

[Brugmansia]

It just wasn't rendering frivolous Demadhi. You better keep your coat on and live with the assumption that what lies ahead shall be a lift.

 

[Finarfin]

It just wasn't rendering frivolous Demadhi. You better keep your coat on and live with the assumption that what lies ahead shall be a lift.

A Lift?
We all know what lies ahead. Getting old getting sick and/or death.
The point is how do you feel about it.

 

[Demahdi]

I feel I need time to confront my demons.
But I will get back to it.
Sorry for backholding

 

[Brugmansia]

A Lift?

An increase in general well-being. Might be perceived by those who haven chosen to live.

I feel I need time to confront my demons.
But I will get back to it.
Sorry for backholding

That's a rather unpleasant mindset prior to wiring yourself with the cognitive possibilities live has.

 

[Demahdi]

Well I am a closed person when it comes to personal feelings. I can not hang on to my “demons” and get anywhere, you feel me. When I started thinking about what I was doing I got blocked. You may recognize this in my writings. My auto-pilot is off. I really need to think it through and re-organize my life. In Dutch there is a funny wordplay, “ik heb het mezelf ingewikkeld gemaakt dus moet terug ontwikkelen”.
To make a long story short, what I meant was, I am starting with my self. We are clawing our way back in life and we are sleeping more and more comfortable as we grab on to the things live has to offer. I came to the conclusion; it isn’t until you lose it “all” you recognize how much is truly left. Someway I’m grateful for this experience. I am a blessed one though, there are many others without any loving and caring people around them.
It seems I have to get back to option A. I need a job because I find no other option in life to make money, I am not a criminal so to me there aren’t many other options.
Thing is, I need another career. Because I know that road before, I am still black and white on that level. I have no plan B. Only an option that doesn’t allow failing, because there is nothing left to hang on to besides my family and myself. I can not allow these demons to block the love I have for them. Fuck all the insanity going around in this world, this field vibrating around my loved ones is rather contagiously spreading the place to a happy home my dear friends. So if you ask me how I feel ending this post? A whole lot better then last weeks

 

[Finarfin]

Good to hear you feel better then last weeks.
I hope you will find what you need (a job). I hope there will be a lift (increase in general wel being) ahead, for all of us.

 

[Brugmansia]

It was just a phase. Life is long and there will be lots of time left to drink the good spirits and enhance the quality of life. Not so long ago I thought you'd left us. Glad to see you back on solid ground, Demahdi. Any future plans about which occupation suits you the best?

 

[Demahdi]

To be honest, I am not sure where I am heading to. There are no expectations, no planning. Just walking a bit slower then I was before. I have been working at specific areas and not so long ago I got contacted they are still in search… I like the job, but I know that road before…. Jobs demand a routine on a regular basis, I feel I need more freedom then I experienced before. I have seen all methods of this overproduction-throw away society on a scale I will nuanciate later in life. It’s just absurd and I don’t want to walk that road anymore, it’s an insane drive where at this moment in life I can not fulfil the expectations. I have other demands in life now. I can give in and accept the dhimmie state, I rather invest in something on the long term. I do feel a big obligation to get my bills paid on time. No problem there, but it seems life is constructed all about that, no? You work, you pay your bills, you do a thing or two, you save up some cash, you get your holidaycheque, you spoil yourself, work again, celebrate christmas and the routine repeats.

Cutting ties with my former employer and picking up with my soulmate has been a journey of pure enlightenment. Things I started to take for normal, she addressed as absurd. Come to think of it, I was really captivated by “expectations of others”. In that time I also cut ties with my parents, I know how this may sound to some, but it was for the best, I only see my mother now and then, though it hurts more every time I see her so I rather not.
After giving this all up I struggle with “identity”. There has been a lot going on around inside of me since I was a child, but I learned to block this person out. Love has known a different meaning for decades and I have always “asked and compared” why I am who I am. Shrooms have enlighted a lot in that matter. Things fell in its place and my girlfriend’s words started to get meaning in the right context. Our way of communicating boosted by 200%. It was like all her dreams came true, all was as it needed to be and we were 100% naturel and pure human beings. She was sober, but I managed to grab her into this field that was like a cosmic spa wellness.
But looking at my past with a “liberated” mind, free from my own paradigm/prison has been a shocking confrontation. Most of all, looking at what it made me to be for decades is something you can not describe in words. But imagine your mid chakra vortexing into an infinite amount of pain.
Things are better today, I am just describing a thing of the past to get it off my chest.

I have a lot of energy inside of me, but I rather focus it on something constructive. Operating our world to shit for money isn’t a call I want to answer as a human being anymore.

 

[Finarfin]

Demahdi,s tale reads like a classical (mid)life crisis. I am not a psychologist or anything, but i do know that In psychology a life crisis is a well known phenomenon.
When growing older you will experience things. You will have good times and/or bad times. You lose people. You have succes or failure.
There are points in our lives when we look back at our lives, and think about it all.
Sometimes we may come to the conclusion that we need to change our lives.
Maybe you have been living on auto pilot. It,s much better to take the time to look around you. You want to take the time to smell the flower.

I have the feeling that money has the highest priority on this slave ship we call society.
Sometimes money seems more important than happyness or taking care of each other.
How i feel about this society and my relationship to society is: society is putting a lot of pressure on people to preform. To make more money to work harder and to be more important. To consume more and grow bigger and bigger.
I do not like this pressure. I have my job and i like my job, but i am not a carreer person.
I think happyness and peace of mind is way better than making money or being well known.

 

[Demahdi]

Aren't I a little young for a mid life crisis? I think I struggle with identity because I abused certain things for more then 15 years.
Waking up to the fact I have been not myself for 17 years and longer does make one think. I know now who I am not, but who am I than? The opposite ? In such short notice? I will get back to it later...
you would be a better analyzer if I would share the entire story.

 

[Finarfin]

They call it a mid life crisis because it usually happens middle age people.There is the typical stereo type image of the middle age men who have mid life crisis.
A psychological life crisis is not something that happens only to middle age men. We all have periods in our lives where we look back at what we have done, what we have achieved and how we have spent our time on this spinning globe we call earth. Reaching a certain age can make people rethink there lives. Important events in life can also make people rethink there lives.

 

[Brugmansia]

I think I struggle with identity because I abused certain things for more then 15 years.

The remedy for your excitement was created in a potion. Altered as you were, an endeavour to pass on a sensible thought to one's self for a pure sense of comfort. Man was never told what was cultivated in its corpus. The purpose of awareness is unknown, not concealed. A divine vector was found, up to the enlighted individual not identify, but to implementate in its sober levels of consciousness. You didn't crossed the line Demahdi.

 

[Demahdi]

I am aweatruck by it all.
Profound things are being said and I lag to to contribute on a sufficient level.

I had a conversation with a pro and all he rambled about was marijuana. When I asked him: From which point of view do you look at is as a problem? He was surprised and it took a minute before he replied the average about psychosis's, you don't mature as fast, you lag motivation to work. I replied him I only had problems like that using alcohol and never from marijuana. The only problems I know is a hypocrite conservative law. He doesn't want to see me again.. It is important for him to recognize my marijuana problem. But a problem to him isn't one to me. I am an individual, not a standard book protocol.
I quit drinking for years now, why should I even consider marijuana to be a problem?
Damage is done in the past, quitting now would be like giving up more identity which I can not afford to lose now.