Psychosis; it's coming!

[IJesusChrist]

I can feel it.

In about 2 months I may be off my top again. We'll see how meditation and learning has faired this year.

Slightly excited, slightly fearful. Could be the year of schizophrenic onset, could be the last year I ever feel this. I don't know.

If I start getting very intense in my posts - radical and extreme - this is fair warning.

Goodlucktome...

 

[MrEmo]

well as long as you have decided. do you want a cookie?

 

[IJesusChrist]

Do you want rejection?

 

[darkwolfunseen]

I've always wondered this: If you're going through a psychosis episode, and decide to trip, does it prolong/induce further psychosis or can it bring you back to normal. Like speed does for kids with ADD?

 

[waygie]

Psychosis happens when smart people jump and don't know where to land

 

[ophiuchus]

I've always wondered this: If you're going through a psychosis episode, and decide to trip, does it prolong/induce further psychosis or can it bring you back to normal. Like speed does for kids with ADD?

it's just that. a 50-50 coin. through my own personal experience. (and this is concerning a specific type of psychosis, in depression) i have found this to be true. it's not like speed because speed has a predictable reaction. psilocybin does not. well it's predictable in that it's "good" or "bad" but naturally you don't know which beforehand... a "good" setting for one, is still subjective to another.

i have almost killed myself in a nonchalant fashion on mushrooms. i should clarify, ive sat ready in contemplation with a blade, as close as you can get to making the thoughts into action, to prove a point to myself. ( that i do not fear death at all in that state.) another time i was just happy breathing, each breathe was euphoria, and i had so much bliss within my body that i shed tears. these experiences come to me even after i realize for myself that life is worth living and i am no longer depressed. this is me of course, not you. nonetheless, still a good indication of a trips potential.

even after i have these thoughts of death (as well as bliss) and such i don't really have problems integrating them (sobering) anymore. however, i should note that i have still yet to up my dosage in any trips since the 7 gram one

 

[ophiuchus]

I can feel it.

In about 2 months I may be off my top again. We'll see how meditation and learning has faired this year.

Slightly excited, slightly fearful. Could be the year of schizophrenic onset, could be the last year I ever feel this. I don't know.

If I start getting very intense in my posts - radical and extreme - this is fair warning.

Goodlucktome...

why are you doing this to yourself?

i don't think you are psychotic so much as you are bored. those feelings go hand in hand you know. you may need a new hobby to practice. a regimen dose of change

 

[IJesusChrist]

You're all right.

When I feel this way - I really don't know where to land. I don't know what I am.

Allusion, you are correct - but it is infact the inverse, atleast I am fairly sure it is; I become bored because I am becoming psychotic. I was sitting on the couch the other day watching a movie, and literally for about 1 second, it all came back. That entire year of sickness. It was no longer a sickness, but it was the same view.

It's like my perception gets hit by a bullet train, and I observe the entire universe for a split second. I come down so quickly its impossible to integrate anything, I feel like I have just been literally hit by a bullet train. My ego is confused, my friends seems like strangers - if only for a split second.

Then the fear sets in; I start to wonder if I will feel it again. What if I become crazy this time! This hits a wall, with all the meditation and thought put into this the cycle stops immediately and I am back to an elevated baseline. Like the come down of DMT.

I once said "Its not the trip that drives you crazy, its the not knowing of what happened that will." I think that really applies to us all, but definitely outlines these experiences.

 

[waygie]

I don't think you should focus so much on who you are(you are bored therfore imperfect... Not saying I'm any different) as who you want to be and how to become it.
Maybe you don't know who you are because it's really who you were and you're focused ontrying to be that again when you had psychosis in the first place because you needed a rebirth

 

[BrainEater]

maybe you need to practice more the directions that your thoughts might be taking and your own position towards that.
i think you can practice that by practicing your body awareness while having psychotic thoughts and ground yourself and your thoughts with for example the earth, as thoughts do have some electromagnetic influence potential just like the earth does have. you can create who/what you are and/or want to be and obviously in psychotic episodes the potential magnitude towards the subjectively negative/positive perceived appears to be greatly increased.
so i guess it's nice that you seem to be prepared for that. thus you might have better chances in the fight within. i believe that in some people "what if..?" thought process loops can become detrimental to the own psyche's complexes/complexions depending on the speed/acceleration ratios in connection to the condition/-ing-s of the mind.
maybe you should become more aware of your connection to infinity by your emotions. you know, feelings are a referential dimension regarding infinity. be aware that generally it's alright to feel and that your thoughts are a judgemental instance and sometimes they won't allow feeling or don't want to allow feelings and maybe then it can help to find out why it is or supposedly should be so. there's always a solution even if your mind tells you it can't be so. it can also help to breathe deeply when you feel a mindshift approaching and to be prepared. by the way, at times i also don't understand what i consider to be "myself".

peace :weedman:

 

[viljo]

allusion, brain eater I have not read your reply to IJC.
Not feeling well at all.

IJC I can answer that, your doing better.

viljo has no new messages.

Check out allusion LOOKS like his communicating today.

 

[ophiuchus]

this is the balance, there is order and chaos. always. you are doing well to recognize these feelings as temporary, though, your worries with them occurring again in the future may in part be what's causing these feelings to come back, even if in this sense you are "preparing/prepared" for it... imagine a disc with only a narrow slit in it running from the inside out, now imagine a wheel of color behind that that never stops rotating/shifting/flipping. these are your emotions. these are everyones emotions. this is how they are classically viewed. my advice for you is to make sure you pay close attention to the pretty colors that pass too.

viljo, i don't know what you mean by your statement, but i dont know if i appreciate it. i try to contribute to this community in all of my posts, and that includes my right to tell you if i dont think that a particular subject is important, if that is what you were referring..? we should all accept that are views are subjective, so your idea of important may not be mine, and as such, this is not MY fault, nor any one other persons... if you meant i have actually been posting lately, then yes, i have been awarded a little more free time lately. unfortunately not for long, with school starting back up. oh well, it'll be good for me, im going to be learning alot of things that are pretty directly relevant to our discussions here at psychonaut.

 

[IJesusChrist]

I don't think viljo was being sinical (cynical?) at all... but I won't speak for him.

To be honest, I think my emotions are more tied to the seasons than they are to any type of logic. When the winds shift, and the smell changes, I change.

I remember the feeling in march, the first day that it gets above 0°C. I can't believe spring came again. I feel as if I was just released from a death camp - I don't know what to do with the euphoria that has been pumping 24/7.

Not quite the opposite, but very close, happens during the end of fall. The start of fall, which is very symbolic to my very first mushroom excursion, often brings me back to that place. I didn't realize at the time how important the setting of nature - the season - was to me.

I will forever be affected by that trip and how it caused me to perceive fall and the oncoming winter.

... I remember extremely vividly the day after my trip feeling like a wavy cloud. I felt perfectly fine (it wasn't a week or so after the trip until I started to feel psychotic). I was driving down the road, the wind was slight and moist. It was about 50 degrees out, the trees were all orange and brown. The smell was that of moist leaves. Me and my friends were going to go far away in the woods to explore. We were hopping around just looking at the local mushrooms. Bending over, high as a kite, amazed at every individual mushroom. I felt infinite, as if I was feeling the entire emotion on earth at once. The season was hitting me, a continuous wind blowing my hair and my mind. I wanted it to last forever, but I knew soon, the days would fade, the sun would dim. Cold would become overwhelming and I would be stuck - atleast that was my perception. But this song, so intense to me still today, was playing;

[youtube]yGwgQogD50E[/youtube]

I have to go help my mom.

 

[Psychoid]

Like speed does for kids with ADD?

ADD doesn't exist and is an invention for big pharmas to make loads of money by selling addictive stimulants to people who need something else. That way they never get cured and always ask for more "medication".

I personally have had ADD symptoms since I'm 3 years old. I discovered recently that I was infected by candida albicans. I'm taking some medication to get rid of it, and since then I'm able to fall asleep with no problem, I am able to concentrate much better, have a better memory, and have more self-control. Strangely, the apparition of the symptoms coincidented with me starting using asthma medication when I was 3 years old. Those medicines make you much more vulnerable to candida infections.
I forced myself to stop taking my asthma medication, and discovered in the end that I was taking them because I was addicted to them. The only moments I really (and not REALLY, I could just have endured and it would have gone away) needed them was when I smoked too much = when I was abusing my lungs.

Since I've stopped taking my asthma medication and I got rid of the infection, SUPRISE! No more ADD. And no more respiratory problems.

I read somewhere that 70-80% of the population is infected, to different degrees, by candidas. That would be caused by the mass consumption of refined food, conservatory agents, antibiotics (including those contained in the meat you buy) etc. Everything that isn't natural in fact.
Candidas secrete candidine, which is neurotoxic, and induces depression, concentration problems, memory problems, difficulties falling asleep, gazes, digestion problems, etc...

 

[viljo]

IJC stop using any substances.

Or I'll hammer down every time you post.

It's like your stuck between this world (psychonaut.com) and reality.
Because you IJC, I think, correct me if I'm wrong take both very seriously.

you can play here without using substances, as much as you want.

 

[ophiuchus]

IJC:
"To be honest, I think my emotions are more tied to the seasons than they are to any type of logic. When the winds shift, and the smell changes, I change."

the seasons do affect ones emotions, but it would be limiting to say that they have more influence than any other factors. there are larger and smaller gears turning all the time

(random side note: i believe viljo is female? not that it matters much)

IJC:
"Allusion, you are correct - but it is infact the inverse, atleast I am fairly sure it is; I become bored because I am becoming psychotic."

you're missing the point. it doesn't have to be inversed or un-versed to still be a problem. one being a bigger factor than the other-this is semantics. truth is, "they both go hand in hand" means they are both affecting you. period. they are too dynamic to pinpoint a causal relationship there (of one over/causing the other) with a small handful of factors that you just happen to notice... if one were becoming "psychotic", there would have to be SOME underlying cause. these things dont happen in and of themselves. and that's what you need to work on figuring out. what is making you FEEL bored. and also, what is making you FEEL psychotic. they could be physical factors, they could be mental factors. i'd wager that it's a bit of both. everything interacts

 

[ophiuchus]

your job over the next few months (winter) looks like it's gonna be figuring out what's contributing to those feelings, and doing your best to eliminate the ones that you have the power over.

 

[waygie]

i think the biggest thing is definitely mental rather than physical (also because physical things are mentally perceived by you to give you that reaction. i can drink all i want and i wont get a hangover the next day. if i do the same thing while in a bad time in my life i will wake up and immediately go to the bathroom to throw up)
i think boredom is a huge thing because boredom means lack of imaginative application (what you should be 'landing on' so to speak) and all that displaced imagination turns into your psychosis

i'm in a constant state of boredom. i have no intellectual outlet. it's why i'm on here....but i'd be lying if i said that if i had more of a social life i'd still be bored. even though a social life isn't much of an intellectual outlet. basically: even if you think your problem is that you need to be over here you can really fix it by going anywhere. just going...doing *something* (maybe in your case it's just something new)

 

[viljo]

Allusion.

Viljo is male and sexually attracted to girls.
However Emotionally I don't know.
but who cares right illusion.

 

[IJesusChrist]

HAHAHA that was great viljo.

I still have a fear of "going crazy". It's one of the hardest fears to interact with or confront - the fear of death is nothing. The fear of going crazy is losing reality so much so that all perceptions change, it's like being stripped from your life and placed in another for eternity. All your memories, all your notions and imagination no longer would apply. You don't just 'cease to exist', you exist as a confused child. A mental baby, put in a zoo among aliens...

I know that the fear of going crazy would be the only factor that could ever push me to such a psychological insanity, however, the fear that it is genetic and there is "nothing you can do about it" is very unnerving.


To spread my fear to all of you, there are diseases like huntington's chorea; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Huntington's_disease

this, and some believe schizophrenia too, almost completely physical - meaning there is something you cannot change with your mental capacities at work.

You are right though, with the statement "Why are you doing this to yourself?" - ATLEAST half of what I am experiencing is a side-affect of fear. However, there are times when I will be sitting, occupied... not bored, and a trigger gets flicked, and the universe funnels itself into my open mind. I feel overwhelmed and seperated, as if reality is equivalent to watching a movie screen.

I just really wish I knew what it was. Knowing would put me at much more ease.