overcoming the fear of breaking through

[Caduceus Mercurius]

It's been several months since I had a psychedelic experience, the last one being in November. And it's been a little more than a year that I did DMT. At that time I tried it about 4 times. All of these experiences took me to the mandala, and one of which (assisted by Mara) took me "through the fun tunnel" and made me completely lose awareness of my surroundings for more than 15 minutes. I had a sense of being surrounded by thousands of people and communicating with some of them. But I do not remember what any of them looked like. It was mostly an ecstatic kaleidoscope, which intensified as I loudly hummed, moaned and shouted at the top of my voice ("whooooo!!!!!").

A couple of days ago I loaded my pipe with synthetic DMT, which I had received as a gift a couple of months ago. Yesterday morning I made all the preparations in my bedroom, but then decided to wait for a better moment. I went to bed early last night (due to boredom tinged with depression) and woke up early. I went to the toilet, put on some trance music and laid in bed for about 20 minutes until the track Opal by Ishq started and I felt ready to go.

I bought a really cool ligther a few weeks ago (the other one died just before I was about to inhale in January). When you open the lid, a blue light starts shining, so you can see the pipe etc. Very useful if you want to do the DMT in a room that's completely dark.

While lying down on my side I kept the flame underneath the glass pipe for a while, until I saw white vapor accumulating in the pipe. While continuing to heat it, I took a slow inhalation (the taste was fine). But as soon as the patterns showed up, I vividly remembered the first time I had encountered it, and how lost and confused I felt. I chickened out, even though what I saw then wasn't inducing fear or confusion.

Although Terence McKenna describes these patterns as just a mandala you have to pierce through, that mandala is quite 'intimidating' in itself. It basically lacks meaning (you can interpret it any way you want), and there is no euphoria there. There was not a hint of entities or anything like that. But the realization that I was very close to the confusion I had experienced last year discouraged me from taking another hit.

I noticed however that the visuals, though vivid, faded very quickly, probably within 4 or 5 minutes. Having just contemplated why I felt so intimidated by it, and realizing that this time I had not felt particularly lost or fearful at all, and that indeed the effects fade quickly without waves, I decided to do another hit, which again revealed the spinning colors. Unlike pretty patterns on your computer screen or those hanging on your wall, these swirls seem to be...well, intense!

There were no significant emotional or psychological obstacles, other than the fear of ending up in a space that is extremely bizar, and of which I cannot determine whether it's divine or completely delusional.

Fortunately extracted DMT (from Mimosa) is not very rare where I live. I can do dozens of these treshhold experiences and still have enough left for some breakthrough experiences. But I must somehow get over the fear that's keeping me from really diving in there. Maybe it's just a matter of trying it regularly, like every morning or every week. Or maybe it's a matter of finding a sitter who's convincing and reassuring enough to really go for it. But then, I'd really like to be able to do this by myself.

Have any of you gone through such a phase? Did you have similar feelings regarding that "treshhold" mandala?

Any recommendations?

 

[GOD]

"Have any of you gone through such a phase?"

Yes , and not just with DMT with all hallucinogens . They arent toys to just pick up and play with . It has to be a conmscious desision with a reason . One has to be prepared and know oneself . What you are talking about is the ego questioning and trying to prevent itself haveing to give up controle . Its a mind thing , one has to be able to let go and not get into loop back thoughts and questioning . Its also not a thing like "Fuck it i`m going to do what i want" and then fuck oneself . There is a time and a place . There are people who go the whole way and then stop . There are people who arent suited . After a while useing hallucinogens gets to be something that isnt just for fun or a holiday . One comes to the point where one has the desision to make if its you or not you . Is it a life style....... a vocation or just something that was there to explore and then carry on in a diferent way . One comes to the point where one has to decide weather to dedicate ones life to it , with the plus and negative sides : One has to surender to it . Shamen are shamen and they leasrn not to play ego games , if someone pretends that they are a shaman or tryes to force themselves to be one it wont work it rebounds and fucks that person .

I think its realy good that you said what you said and that your honest with yourseklf about it . You have the desision to make to keep playing or to do it , be it . Let it take you over .

Just meditate on it a bit and make your desision . You have come to the point where you have to decide if you want to go the way . You know yourself , are you prepared to make the change in yourself . Its not something one can do part time one has to be it .

So either get back on the horse you fell off and ride or dont . Face yourself and your fears and make the desision . There is one thing haveing thoughts and another takeing them to seriously and letting them take over .

 

[Brugmansia]

Everytime prior to inhaling, my heart beats, I'm sweating and generally loaded with a tense feeling. Even though I know there's nothing to fear, it's the instant devastation and transfer into the extreme colourful and kaleidescope dimension where I never can get used to. But once transfered, all of this doubts are gone. It last 7 minutes and one doesn't have to dive, he's just sucked into the technological DMT world before he notices. Holding an hand is not particulary a need, the connection with the world, as well as any memory of the self is gone. It's like there is an observer, with no identity, body or control. After a few minutes, you realise it's yourself. It may look bizarre, but it's easier than a strong mushrooms trip in where you have something left of yourself.

I totally can identify with the doubt to lose it all, I believe one always remains with that no matter how often it's done.

I haven't experienced extracted DMT, perhaps there is a difference. The entities never looked natural to me, but crystal-like. See below the Goomba, that kind of shape, but way more dimensional and elaborated. But the first break-through was just a blast with a kaleidescope presence and nothing more.

The picture you posted, if where you look at with closed eyes and body presence. If you break through, you fall through the middle and with intense speed it flows around you sideways, new kaleidescope patterns keep and keep coming from far ahead. And at some phases it gets so intense that everything stops, turns into crystals and swells, swells and swells.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

I haven't experienced extracted DMT, perhaps there is a difference.

As far as I could tell with this dose, there was no difference whatsoever. I ended up in exactly the same space as I had seen on the Mimosa extract. Even the taste of the vapor was very similar.

it's the instant devastation and transfer into the extreme colourful and kaleidescope dimension where I never can get used to.

Pfew, so it isn't just me.

the connection with the world, as well as any memory of the self is gone.

Yes, without exception all the times I felt uncomfortable on DMT, there was still some sense of who I was and what I was doing. But after my ecstatic experience, as I came to my senses again, I had no idea what I was, what I had done and what the hell was going on.

If you break through, you fall through the middle and with intense speed it flows around you sideways, new kaleidescope patterns keep and keep coming from far ahead. And at some phases it gets so intense that everything stops, turns into crystals and swells, swells and swells.

Yes, that's exactly what I experienced last year on what I consider my first breakthrough experience. It took me by surprise though, as I had taken only one (very good) inhalation.

 

[endlessness]

dmt is dmt, there is no difference between extracted and synthesized, considering they are both pure.

god had good points, having a certain aprehension is not a bad thing, these substances should be respected and should not be used light-heartedly

in any case, having a completely straight mind and then smoking a good dose of dmt is a big shock, possibly creating fear before and difficulty to remember afterwards. This is specially true when a long time has passed since last time of using.

Two of the best ways to help is either to first smoke a small dose to 'remember' a bit, so that the mind gets a bit more prepared, or to smoke dmt during the peak or post peak of a mushroom trip. This second recommendation is specially to be noticed! When smoking during a mushroom trip, first of all you are already on a great platform to launch from, so there is less fear, the dmt and mushrooms synergize PERFECTLY, aaaand, the whole visuals are not as hectic but it seems to all go 'slower and smoother', so one can pay more attention, and remember much better and integrate after the trip.

 

[Forkbender]

Maybe you should take 5 grams of mushrooms to ease your mind and then smoke some on the peak. :|

Or say to yourself: Okay, I'm afraid, now what? Acknowledge the feeling, but don't let it control you. Go into the fear as you would go into a trip.

I recognize a lot of what you say, I had it once with an acid trip which really was a 'now or never' trip for me. I decided to go for it and take twice as much as I ever did and didn't regret for a moment the enlightening experience that was the result.

 

[endlessness]

Maybe you should take 5 grams of mushrooms to ease your mind and then smoke some on the peak. :|

I never said 5g.. for some people 5 g may be challenging enough as it is.. but I think that even a low dose of mushroom helps one dealing with the pre-smoke fear and the synergy makes the dmt trip more spectacular than ever (if thats even possible hehe)

 

[Forkbender]

I was being serious. I never read your post, but was reacting to Caduceus himself. I think he knows how to handle such a thing and seeing that if there is no ego there is nothing left to fear, it would be a perfect way to go into such an experience. This advice is personal and is not applicable to everyone.

 

[GOD]

Caduceus , think about it . It has a meaning . You are in a situation where you must make a decision and one that must be honest to you and who you are and what you want to do with your life . That means are you going to stop , are you going to try to carry on being a psychedelic tourist or are you going to make it your life . That means very much and could have very big consequenses . It could mean , if you say yes , that you will have to change your life and life style . The same choice you had with the sanyasins . Its not a part time thing and the road isnt always easy . Many people make the wrong choice and fuck themselves so be very carefull . Its a time window to , you havent got a lot of time to decide before it closes . Waiting and not decideing is also a choice , one that will close the window .

 

[Forkbender]

Disregard my silly comments and listen to what GOD says.

GOD, can you elaborate on what you mean by the psychedelic lifestyle. What are some of the characteristics? What are the dangers?

 

[GOD]

Shit . To answer that i`ll have to read my own post and......think !!!

 

[Forkbender]

I can do that too...

Just thought it might be useful for some people.

 

[GOD]

Caduceus has talked about the hallucinogens that he has been useing and how he has used them . That was psychedelic tourism . He has also talked about wanting to be a psychedelic therapist . Wich is something like being a western techno-shaman and its not a part time job its a life style . The life he has been living full of free choices would have to take a back seat and the psychedelics a front seat . Its not something one can do on weekends or take trivialy or pick up and put down at will . One hasnt got to give up everything but one has to take it totaly seriously , put ego down and dedicate oneself to it . Think of the diference between Maria Sabina and the diferent life style she had to follow than the other people that lived around her . That was just an example . I`m not saying that you have to be a shaman or give your "you" up . But it takes absolut honesty and being prepared to think about the things one doesnt want to think about . It means looking in the mirror , being absolutely honest and fair and staying stand fast and not running away .

This is the choice that everyone gets who experiments with psychedelics . Others dont have such a stark choice though . Most of them stop takeing psychedelics or take them very rarely . Some of them try to carry on and give their personal responsibility up and become followers sheltering behind a leader / guide . Caduceus couldnt do that , hes not a follower , he is an independant person . For him its the choice between doing and being what he has wanted to be for a long time or takeing another cource . Black or white , there are no half ways .

I dont mean that such a person has to take psychedelics every weekend but its like a doctor sometimes there arent any patients and sometimes there are and the doctor has to be on call and be prepared to do what he must .

The bigest dangers are overestimateing oneself , ego and shiting out . The people who choose it have to be prepared to see their own shit in the mirror and also be prepared to put their "self" down , to be able to think what the best is for a person and not try to be the big shaman and just inflict their personal healing wishes on another person . There is no point in pushing standardised therapys and healing theorys on people . One has to see and think like the person one is trying to help . Put onself in their shoes and try to guide them to help themselves .

That all sounds very responsible and very hard . I dont mean to say Caduceus has to be the healer , he could also just look for himself . The time for playing is over and either he takes it seriously or it will take him seriously . Its time to take a good look at the drugs and not just use them to have a good time recreationaly . Its time to do it ritualy .

Love , surender , devotion .

 

[Brugmansia]

I'm pretty sure CM wouldn't have posted this if he immediately inhaled sufficient D. From sober levels directly to the other side is more sincere than bending over the edge and thinking about the horse you're sitting on.

You'll have to do it yourself, I'm not a guide but can identify, millions of people went before us and went through it. So you are not lonely.

 

[Forkbender]

I just thought about something, namely the nature of fear itself. I think it has two facets that are interrelated:

first, there is some form of resistance to what is thought to happen.
second, there is the idea that what is to happen is destructive.

Fear effectively bars you from entering the special realm. Psychologically, it is the inability to conceive the existance of consciousness beyond a certain action or event. It is, however, this fear itself that stops our consciousness from flowing in that special realm. It is both a thought, an emotion and a physical unwillingness to go beyond the regular borders.

As GOD said (not exactly, but something like it): At some point you just need to drop the ego (or the fear) and move on OR retreat from it eternally.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

My question specifically had to do with the DMT mandala, not with psychedelics in general. And it's not that it's an obstacle I can't overcome or need to take mushrooms for (though I'm definitely interested in doing that). The breakthrough experience will probably occur again within a couple of days. And I hope to then have it regularly for a couple of weeks or months. DMT is the only psychedelic I can fit into my busy schedule regularly, so I would be really happy if I can manage to become a happy toker.

 

[GOD]

LOL . You can run but you cant hide .

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

For him its the choice between doing and being what he has wanted to be for a long time or takeing another cource . Black or white , there are no half ways .

Hmmm, I'm not in a hurry though. No one should flee from financial pressures and parental responsibilities by becoming a wanna-be shaman.