I landed on this forum thread because I was doing a search on MDMA-related sadness. I read haikucigarette's vivid description of his experience with interest, as I have not yet been able to find many other such stories on the www.. Because of his honesty, and because I can't find anything like that online, I decided to contribute to this thread, in case what I have to say can find a response in anyone else. I notice that no-one has contributed to the thread since 2012, but someone might find this and it might be of interest to them.
Most posts around "ecstasy (MDMA) and depression" talk about the comedown, or the possible longterm side-effects. It would appear that feelings of sadness while actually rolling are rare. Despite this, this is what happened to me.
I have used ecstasy numerous times since it first emerged in the 80's, though not very often, i.e. once in a couple of years at most. Nearly every time the drug has been of good quality. (Once it had no effect at all, and all of us agreed that we had been ripped off by the dealer.) I never experienced any serious comedown afterwards, other than perhaps feeling a little tired and bleary maybe. The first few times I used it I had all the usual experiences of empathy, connectedness and euphoria.
However the last couple of times I have taken it were different. Since the experience was similar both times, but the second experience was only a two weeks ago, I shall focus on that second event.
In one sense I felt fine, and completely comfortable with what I was experiencing, but at the same time, what I was experiencing was a deep and (I might almost say) "cosmic" sadness, or grief, which seemed to totally envelop me. It felt like heartbreak.
Now I know that MDMA is psychoactive and later I was remembering how whatever you can conceive of or experience is still your creation, so perhaps it is a bit far-fetched to say I was experiencing anything outside of myself, i.e. the sadness of the world.
I wasn't catatonic with depression, or unable to function. In fact, on account of the drug, I felt quite well and in control. I was at a rather sedate party in a park and I found I could talk to people and feel deep love for them. (These other people were not rolling, nor did they know that I was.) However even as I was talking to them I could also sense their sadness and pain, their disappointments and losses.
The setting was beautiful - outdoors, lovely weather, beautiful scenery - but even though the sights and sounds were beautiful, they were also sad. People around me seemed superficially chasing after distracting highs, whether by pursuing career, sex, drugs, drink - whatever. It seemed to me that we, humanity, carry a deep sense of separation from everything and everyone. Of course I was also aware of the irony that I too was seeking some kind of relief from my normal waking state, so I don't say I wasn't part of this general scramble for distraction. I was with another friend who was also rolling but I did not mention my feelings to him. He seemed quite happy and in that state the last thing I wanted to do was disturb him or bring him down with my own melancholia.
On both occasions though, when I tried to describe my experience, no-one could relate to what I was saying. However (and here I think is the point, or the question) my feelings seemed and still seem legitimate. It is in many respects a tragic world. Loss, fatigue, disappointment are prevalent. Even the world's great religions have tried to deal with this, and many artists have tried to address it as well. I felt that the drug actually allowed me to relax enough to open me up to this side of reality.
What I can't understand is why more people don't experience this deep sadness. Is there something wrong with me? Am I perhaps of a more depressive nature than I have allowed myself to consciously see?
I still have three of those pills left and first thing I shall definitely buy a drug-testing kit to make sure it was indeed MDMA (though it certainly felt like it.) Then I intend to find a sympathetic and sensitive friend, and arrange the perfect setting for us to be together, and to take another dose, and this time more deeply explore these feelings of melancholia and depression. I have a sense that there may be something here for me to examine more carefully.
Comments welcome!
Most posts around "ecstasy (MDMA) and depression" talk about the comedown, or the possible longterm side-effects. It would appear that feelings of sadness while actually rolling are rare. Despite this, this is what happened to me.
I have used ecstasy numerous times since it first emerged in the 80's, though not very often, i.e. once in a couple of years at most. Nearly every time the drug has been of good quality. (Once it had no effect at all, and all of us agreed that we had been ripped off by the dealer.) I never experienced any serious comedown afterwards, other than perhaps feeling a little tired and bleary maybe. The first few times I used it I had all the usual experiences of empathy, connectedness and euphoria.
However the last couple of times I have taken it were different. Since the experience was similar both times, but the second experience was only a two weeks ago, I shall focus on that second event.
In one sense I felt fine, and completely comfortable with what I was experiencing, but at the same time, what I was experiencing was a deep and (I might almost say) "cosmic" sadness, or grief, which seemed to totally envelop me. It felt like heartbreak.
Now I know that MDMA is psychoactive and later I was remembering how whatever you can conceive of or experience is still your creation, so perhaps it is a bit far-fetched to say I was experiencing anything outside of myself, i.e. the sadness of the world.
I wasn't catatonic with depression, or unable to function. In fact, on account of the drug, I felt quite well and in control. I was at a rather sedate party in a park and I found I could talk to people and feel deep love for them. (These other people were not rolling, nor did they know that I was.) However even as I was talking to them I could also sense their sadness and pain, their disappointments and losses.
The setting was beautiful - outdoors, lovely weather, beautiful scenery - but even though the sights and sounds were beautiful, they were also sad. People around me seemed superficially chasing after distracting highs, whether by pursuing career, sex, drugs, drink - whatever. It seemed to me that we, humanity, carry a deep sense of separation from everything and everyone. Of course I was also aware of the irony that I too was seeking some kind of relief from my normal waking state, so I don't say I wasn't part of this general scramble for distraction. I was with another friend who was also rolling but I did not mention my feelings to him. He seemed quite happy and in that state the last thing I wanted to do was disturb him or bring him down with my own melancholia.
On both occasions though, when I tried to describe my experience, no-one could relate to what I was saying. However (and here I think is the point, or the question) my feelings seemed and still seem legitimate. It is in many respects a tragic world. Loss, fatigue, disappointment are prevalent. Even the world's great religions have tried to deal with this, and many artists have tried to address it as well. I felt that the drug actually allowed me to relax enough to open me up to this side of reality.
What I can't understand is why more people don't experience this deep sadness. Is there something wrong with me? Am I perhaps of a more depressive nature than I have allowed myself to consciously see?
I still have three of those pills left and first thing I shall definitely buy a drug-testing kit to make sure it was indeed MDMA (though it certainly felt like it.) Then I intend to find a sympathetic and sensitive friend, and arrange the perfect setting for us to be together, and to take another dose, and this time more deeply explore these feelings of melancholia and depression. I have a sense that there may be something here for me to examine more carefully.
Comments welcome!
