31andsunny a dit:
yeah i haven't smoked weed in 2-3 months, last time i did i had a flashback to a different feeling then the one im talking about now. and had a massive panic attack that lasted honestly over 10 hours and i couldn't sleep because everytime i was about to drift off, id get woken up with intense fear. but then 2 months or so after this about 5 after tripping under the influence of no drugs, i was even thinking i was finally over all this shit and then boom. i had this massive flashback that was almost worse then the one i got from smoking weed. but ever since my last strong flashback i had, about a week ago. i feel like im over it. but ive felt like that before, and as soon as the flashbacks hits boom i was completely scared. as it is now tho i get anxiety just being around the smell of weed, last time i had a flashback was around the smell. or it could've been that i ate like a whole bunch of sweet tarts. sugar seems to make me have more anxiety. the first flashback i described, i was drinking i lot of pop. now i dont drink any pop only water because it makes me have anxiety.
Haha, yeahp I had that too. If people even said weed, or referred to it I'd get tense.
Man how far I've come!
I remember the first time where I was able to take the fear, where I knew I was ok, but was in complete insanity. I was on a river, smoking a joint with my friend for the first time in around 4 months. I remember feeling tense, but determined. I smoked, and the first 2 minutes were ok, but then it hit me like a tsunami. I was drowning. I couldn't take it, I wanted to run, just take off and go away alone, in a box. But I couldn't. What I kept realizing is that I'm on earth, and earth is small. That space is empty, and I'm on earth. Everyone else is superficial, we have to be in order to be happy. I imagined I was on a set of a cosmic play. I was an actor, and "reality" was behind the screen, and I could never see it. I felt like I was on an island, doomed to live and die without seeing what is real and what isn't. Things switched gears, I got tired of being scared. I got tired of wanting to run away.
I started looking at the water, the ripples, the cat tails. I started to look to the blue sky and how beautiful it was, and how isolated this place was - the quiet, the peace. I played with the rocks and sand on the beach. When I caught a fish I felt horrible about it. I didn't want to kill it or eat it so I grabbed it, and blew some smoke in its face and gills. I set it down and it wiggled itself into the rocks underneath the ripples. I watched it for some minutes without it moving. I started to enjoy everything. I liked it. I came back some 30 minutes later while contemplating my fear and my searching for happiness to find the fish, still tucked away under the rock. I laughed histarically, it was hilarious! The fish - still there, tucked away, high as a kite in some rocks.
The entire time I was plagued with stomach tension, with anxiety, but I was able to enjoy it. It was a turning point - I didn't run anymore.
That was a summer and a half ago... I think. It may even have been this summer?! I can't remember.