Another anxiety.

[IJesusChrist]

OK.

So, for all of you who are familiar with my story I've been plagued with anxiety for quite some time. I have come to partially blame it on genetics - my mom is on anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, and a sleep aid so she doesn't have to 'think' before she goes to bed.

Anyways I have been coming so freekin far with this self-healing, meditation, breathing, analyzing, and such, but I still realize it is there. I was watching a video today on youtube, and a scene came up from alex gray's paintings and it brought back a scene from my mushroom trip where I was lost in thought about how I wasn't coming back to baseline.

I've been able to handle all my panic attacks and anxiety sober, and weed has been actually extremely positive the last two times I've tried it (in the last 3 months!), but I fear that possibly this winter break may be too soon for a trip. I would really like to trip with someone, but the friends I have that do shrooms and lsd aren't the kids I want to do shrooms & LSD with. They just... they are ok to go to a party with, get drunk, and walk around the mall with, but once they begin speaking about far out ideas I get anxious - and negative, because I so blatantly disagree with them it's nullifying. One of my friends is a firm believer in 2012, and the psychadelic ideas he comes up with are so ridiculously wrong it pains me to know he believes in this stuff. I often try to tell him nicely my opinions, and my beliefs but he gets off-put the minute it becomes apparent I don't believe in the same abstract stuff.

Its a long line of conversations with these kids that just has slowly seperated me from their psychadelic use... So now I don't have anyone to trip with. I was going to go it alone - but one doubt in a hundred confidences makes me step aback. What is the overall feeling for you guys when you want to take shrooms or lsd, is there ever a "Maybe this isn't for me right now?"

It seems my opinions vary weekly as well, but the sole fact that I have been able to cope with all my anxiety both on THC and sober are leading to the possibility of breaking my sobereity in the psychadelic realm! I am SO tired though, and I hope I was coherent while writing this - I need to take to sleep now...

 

[BrainEater]

i think there's something like "maybe now isn't the right time" and "now is the right time" and something in between... i think it'd be better to take psychadelics when you feel like "now is the right time" obvbiously........

to me it appears like what you are having with your mates is like kindergarden... are you afraid of not being able to convince them of the delusional nature of their ideas or to convince them of the rightness of your ideas?? if yes why ??
think that they won't believe you anything you tell em which contradicts with their paradigm of reality and with their ideas on how the future COULD be??


and what your mother is doing is just standard... many people doit cuz its just easier... i mean shutting off the inner dialogue ... is it even possible when you are identified with it so much that you can't draw a line between "you" and the inner dialogue...
but no worries... just be kind to her and maybe check out whether it makes her feel worse or better ...


peace

 

[Teonanacapilli]

When I have doubts about tripping alone, I ask if I truly trust myself. I ask also whether or not I am ready and willing to face what my sober mind locks up, because I know the shrooms are going to make me face everything. If I am strong enough to do that mentally, then I know there will be something profoundly positive to gain from the trip. So many people condemn tripping alone, but I think it is the only way to raise certain questions and find some understandings.

The other factor I look at is how badly I need the trip. I can't very well drop everything I am doing, walk into the bush and meditate on my problems until a solution is found. So I've used psychedelics as a means to sort out problems, mainly depression and anxiety. If I need the trip to keep myself healthy, then I weigh the risk of dangers and the potential benefit of the trip.

These guys don't sound like they would provide a good setting for you, if you have these feelings towards them. I think if you still really want to trip, you feel good about your self, then you should find someone else to be with, or trip alone (if you feel mostly safe doing this).

I don't think it is worth your worries to try and convince your friends of your beliefs. For now my motto is basically "make change where change is easy", I am not a completely stable person and I will not go out of my way to change the views of stubborn people if it will only stress me out. When I have conquered my own problems, then I will work on the problems of others.

Hope that helps, man.

 

[IJesusChrist]

BrainEater it stresses me probably because I don't like putting myself on a pedestal infront of my friends - especially these guys. They are my friends because I'm with them, I can act like them, and understand them, but pressing my ideas on other people has always been hard for me - it's not that I am not confident in what I believe, or whatnot, it is that I don't like proving others wrong essentially.

And nanna - that does help, I will ask myself this break if I DO trust myself, and whether I can face a full blown assault from the beyond again. I really want motivation, and I know its there, I just need to get a push to start it flowing again.

 

[BrainEater]

why are you afraid to prove others wrong?? or why don't you want it??? and do you really want to push your ideas on others?? or do you want them to feed on your ideas??? thats a difference!! the one is using force the other not.

maybe they can kick you in the ass too so your motivation can start flowing again but maybe you can get it flowing some other way!! anyways good luck mate!!!


peace :weedman:

 

[ophiuchus]

Anyways I have been coming so freekin far with this self-healing, meditation, breathing, analyzing, and such, but I still realize it is there. I was watching a video today on youtube, and a scene came up from alex gray's paintings and it brought back a scene from my mushroom trip where I was lost in thought about how I wasn't coming back to baseline.

from what i've gained, that will always be there, regardless. you cannot eliminate that which is a part of you. this may appear contradictory (release of control to regain it) , but it works for me: when i start to feel anxious, or once i recognise it rather, i just take a step back, stop what im doing, try and stop what im thinking, close my eyes, and take one or more slow deep breaths through my nose, focusing on regulating. and once my breath is regulated, i can go back to my things with a much decreased sense of anxiety. you cannot make it go away, but you can make it very small, as small as you'll let it be. as long as you can realize that that which you have no control over, does not control you. trying "actively" to control anxiety will only perpetuate it, as you're using the same road thats got the traffic jam (neurons). dont hyperventilate, just calm. im sure you already know that, just remember regaining control is a passive act, not an active one, control is not something you can grab ahold of so to speak

but the friends I have that do shrooms and lsd aren't the kids I want to do shrooms & LSD with. They just... they are ok to go to a party with, get drunk, and walk around the mall with, but once they begin speaking about far out ideas I get anxious - and negative, because I so blatantly disagree with them it's nullifying

if you feel so, do not trip with them, i cannot stress it enough... psychedelics is becoming somewhat of a fad now... which sucks, but it can work to your advantage too, in the long run. if you dont think you're ready to trip alone yet, then wherever you are in public, simply be talkative* and meet new people, if you're sincere, odds are youll get into a good conversation, and who knows, might even find another parallel personality. trust, there are plenty out there. use your intuition to read people. not saying you should go out and recruit randoms to trip with, but you might meet a good friend with a process similar. dont worry about social norms, there are none, just the ones you've percieved and been surrounded in. i've met some FAAAR out GROUPS of people, very surprising the first time

one doubt in a hundred confidences makes me step aback. What is the overall feeling for you guys when you want to take shrooms or lsd, is there ever a "Maybe this isn't for me right now?"

It seems my opinions vary weekly as well

it's good to be cautious, but might be better in some cases to simply be confident. it's situational, so no one can tell you whats right, that's grey. you have a choice

 

[st.bot.32]

^I agree with much that

IJC can share my experiences in response to your post.. of course I can't 100% recommend anything as a solution for you. I've had periods of my life where I've dealt with anxiety, and even had panic attacks on and off for a short while, so while I really don't understand everything you're going through, I can relate somewhat. Anxiety sucks, it's underestimated just how difficult it is to deal with. I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel better.

One of my friends is a firm believer in 2012, and the psychadelic ideas he comes up with are so ridiculously wrong it pains me to know he believes in this stuff. I often try to tell him nicely my opinions, and my beliefs but he gets off-put the minute it becomes apparent I don't believe in the same abstract stuff. Its a long line of conversations with these kids that just has slowly seperated me from their psychadelic use... So now I don't have anyone to trip with.

a wise choice IMO. a trip shouldn't turn into something like having to sit through church sermons, bored, waiting for it to end, that's a complete waste of an experience. even if it is with people you care about. it's amazing just how profound and intelligent and magical the discussions and interactions you can have on psychedelics with the right people can be... it's so worth it to find the right people to trip with, it really is.

I was going to go it alone - but one doubt in a hundred confidences makes me step aback. What is the overall feeling for you guys when you want to take shrooms or lsd, is there ever a "Maybe this isn't for me right now?"

First of all, maybe it's just me, but when I hadn't tripped much, I found solo trips WAY easier to handle than trips with other people. When I'm by myself, I can RELAX and really get into the trip without having to worry about anything. As a plus, it gave me time to think+explore what was actually going on, without distractions... Then I started enjoying tripping with other people a lot more.

I generally know when I'm capable of handling a solo trip. For example right now, I'm not. I've been quite physically sick for a while and am avoiding all substances at the moment until I'm confident my body is up to it. I've been wanting a trip but it's fine, it will come with time. Mostly I agree with adrianhaffner above. Anxiety before a trip is kind of a self-defeating prophecy. It's being afraid of being afraid.

but the sole fact that I have been able to cope with all my anxiety both on THC and sober are leading to the possibility of breaking my sobereity in the psychadelic realm!

Speaking for myself I find a moderate dose of acid or mush (especially acid) actually does not have as much of a headfuck potential as THC, it's clearer and more forgiving somehow. Also once you get past the first few 'wow' trips and start having deeply meditative experiences on psychedelics, that's when it really starts to get interesting IMO. Fighting emotions and anxiety will only prevent you from getting there.. hence all the talk about letting go and not fighting it. if you can do that during meditation and can do that after taking strong doses of THC, you're probably ready for psychedelics..

It's still a set and setting thing of course. If you decide you're up for it, have a safe space where you know you will not have any chance of being interrupted, that takes away that worry right there. I personally found doing a creative task like writing or drawing or playing instruments wonderful for my first few solo comeups, really helped me focus and gave me something to explore as my experience slowly progressed. Then when comfortable, let the experience unfold and come to you...

 

[BrainEater]

how is "breaking" your sobriety or sovereignty (not sure what you mean) on psychadelics going to help you?? and i can understand that you are maybe scared of that as i am scared of that too, like what you can learn about yourself on psychadelics can be like smashing the mirror in which you see yourself to pieces. and i think this image lacks pain if you don't attach sense of self to it, but if you do the pain can be like hard strings vibrating not exactly with the desired frequency. but what sense would it make anyway to take the shards and hurt yourself, knowing that you'd hurt yourself??? hope you get my point it's not meant literally.


peace :weedman: