heatlightning
Matrice périnatale
- Inscrit
- 12 Sept 2017
- Messages
- 12
Dear Aya friends!
I want to share my experience and ask for advice regarding future ceremonies.
I am a person who thinks very deeply about existential stuff, so fears related to it are what I dread most when ingesting substances. I had tried several psychedelics before I had my first real bad trip on mushrooms. I had a high dosage and was alone. Extreme existential terror kicked in, I felt I was on the edge of insanity or suicide, but I gathered enough sense to call someone to take me to a hospital where I calmed down and spent the night with the stuff being cleansed out of my system. In the morning I was back to normal again.
That didn’t stop my interest though, and next year I participated in my first Aya ceremony with a Brazilian shaman. This experience was wonderful, I realized many things what I still keep within me. I really liked the shaman, he was a humble man with a peaceful presence, contrasting it to another Peruvian shaman I met, who I felt was too “western” and “fake”, as in having a social role to play and all that. I also felt that Aya is like a raging river that can overwhelm you easily, and set and setting (shaman songs, his presence, candles, tripsitters) are like a boat that carries you through. This shaman is also a rapé shaman, who blows it in your nostrils to help you through difficult parts. I must also mention that the group that organizes this seems really genuine and not money-oriented, as I’ve heard bad examples regarding this.
After this experience I wanted more and went to The Netherlands to take Aya in Santo Daime ceremonies. That’s where I had another bad trip, and there was no shaman, the whole setting seemed very unprepared for bad trips, I was asked to sit down not to disturb others, when my whole reality was falling apart! Wtf? But again, when the trip ended, I went back to normal.
Now, the worst part – a year ago, when traveling alone in the US (I’m European) there started a “bad trip without drugs”. The same panic kicked in, this time sober. The only thing that could calm me down was clonazepam, also known as Ativan, a powerful sedative. I quickly returned home and spent the next 6 months going crazy, unable to stop the anxiety, but not wanting to take powerful medication. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was probably because it’s fucking difficult
. When I realized I’m seriously suicidal and have nothing to lose, I reverted to clonazepam. And after taking it for a month or so, I stabilized. Then I tapered it away with no complications and have been off any meds for 6 months or so.
I am still very interested in spiritual exploration, but unsure if I should take Aya again. An opportunity has arisen, the pros are that it’s the same shaman and the same group, the set and setting that I felt safe in. The cons are what if what I fear will happen again, or what if I get some permanent damage and return to the anxiety I suffered for 6 months?
What would be your advice in my situation?
I want to share my experience and ask for advice regarding future ceremonies.
I am a person who thinks very deeply about existential stuff, so fears related to it are what I dread most when ingesting substances. I had tried several psychedelics before I had my first real bad trip on mushrooms. I had a high dosage and was alone. Extreme existential terror kicked in, I felt I was on the edge of insanity or suicide, but I gathered enough sense to call someone to take me to a hospital where I calmed down and spent the night with the stuff being cleansed out of my system. In the morning I was back to normal again.
That didn’t stop my interest though, and next year I participated in my first Aya ceremony with a Brazilian shaman. This experience was wonderful, I realized many things what I still keep within me. I really liked the shaman, he was a humble man with a peaceful presence, contrasting it to another Peruvian shaman I met, who I felt was too “western” and “fake”, as in having a social role to play and all that. I also felt that Aya is like a raging river that can overwhelm you easily, and set and setting (shaman songs, his presence, candles, tripsitters) are like a boat that carries you through. This shaman is also a rapé shaman, who blows it in your nostrils to help you through difficult parts. I must also mention that the group that organizes this seems really genuine and not money-oriented, as I’ve heard bad examples regarding this.
After this experience I wanted more and went to The Netherlands to take Aya in Santo Daime ceremonies. That’s where I had another bad trip, and there was no shaman, the whole setting seemed very unprepared for bad trips, I was asked to sit down not to disturb others, when my whole reality was falling apart! Wtf? But again, when the trip ended, I went back to normal.
Now, the worst part – a year ago, when traveling alone in the US (I’m European) there started a “bad trip without drugs”. The same panic kicked in, this time sober. The only thing that could calm me down was clonazepam, also known as Ativan, a powerful sedative. I quickly returned home and spent the next 6 months going crazy, unable to stop the anxiety, but not wanting to take powerful medication. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was probably because it’s fucking difficult
. When I realized I’m seriously suicidal and have nothing to lose, I reverted to clonazepam. And after taking it for a month or so, I stabilized. Then I tapered it away with no complications and have been off any meds for 6 months or so.I am still very interested in spiritual exploration, but unsure if I should take Aya again. An opportunity has arisen, the pros are that it’s the same shaman and the same group, the set and setting that I felt safe in. The cons are what if what I fear will happen again, or what if I get some permanent damage and return to the anxiety I suffered for 6 months?
What would be your advice in my situation?