For those that know me only...

[Ahuaeynjxs]

Even after all these insights and much efforts I put into life... I am still feeling suicidal and thinking about my death most of the day.

Please help.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

You've got some very conflicting impulses then: on the one hand a strong desire to nurture you body, and on the other thoughts of destroying it. Do you have actual suicidal fantasies, like taking sleeping pills (nonviolent suicide) or jumping in front of a train (violent suicide)?

I've already mentioned this before: if you want to come over to the Netherlands for some time, you can stay at my place.

Even after all these insights

Have you read the citations on suicide I posted a couple of days ago? Suicidal ideation doesn't have a rational basis. So most practical insights will not take suicidal fantasies away.

and thinking about my death most of the day.

People with Saturn (death) and Pluto (death-rebirth) conjunct the Sun (self) think about death (and rebirth) quite often, but generally this is nothing to worry about.

 

[HeartCore]

Even after all these insights and much efforts I put into life... I am still feeling suicidal and thinking about my death most of the day.

Please help.

Never forget that death will come for all of us someday so why not enjoy the show while it lasts? What's the rush? What is it that holds you back to really appreciate life?

I can relate to how you describe you feel, I've been there and can attest that it will get better. Simply because it must. And you will be amazed by life many more times, the only thing you have to do for that to happen, is to simply stick around

What exactly is it, that you want to be helped with?

Piece

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

Thanks guys... I am not even sure what kind of help I need. I have no life, and I took responsibilities that will keep me from actually getting a life for the next decade or so... I cannot even enjoy what I am supposed to fully because I'm bothered constantly by physical pain...

I am under so much debt that I never actually enjoyed (I struggled for eating for 5 years, and now that I actually can eat because my parents finally had compassion my apetite is gone because of infection, I am so thin I am like 130 lbs and 6 foot... and I owe it to people dear to me so I cannot declare bancrupcy. I'm in a kind of very painful trap, not only because I never have money in my pockets, but because I cannot pay for my own healthcare, even if its supposed to be free here ; they kinda said to me that my lesions are not a sickness, but they weren't able to tell me what it is. Maybe they think I sniff too much drugs and thats why I got lesions in my sinus and mouth and belly... all I know is that they refused me healthcare, they told me to go to a private clinic because they are not competent enough (and I tried 3 different public doctors). Basically it was all a question of timing, but I got stolen from and screwed and made the wrong decisions in the wrong moments (I should have declared bancrupcy instead of letting my family pay for it)

They cannot even test me for mercury, because the test is ILLEGAL here, and there is no alternative...

To top it all off I have no friends that actually wish to know me, they wont even try my health products even if I give them to them for free ! They put them in the drawer and forget about them, and this is constant, no matter the type of friend. I'm sure there has to be some positive stuff to come out from there because I cannot feel worse.

The main reason I want to kill myself is because people would understand immeditately who I am and stop laughing at me because noone beleives I am sick and noone beleives that I am emotionally suffering. They are ridiculing me even further because of my theories about evolution and DNA... you know like I was trying to get attention because I'm such a looser ? Of course I know better, but if I'm going to feel destructive towards myself and that kind of pain for years to come... I am thinking that suicide is justified in my case.

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

The fantasies I have if you can call them that is of people realising that I am not lying about the constant pain... I cannot actually find a way of dying that satisfies me so I do not fantasize about that. But I find myself thinking about having a nice smooth accident, alone, without hurting anybody... like most of the day ; and I know full well about the law of attraction and that I'm loosing precious brainpower on those thoughts...

But somehow I feel its all bullshit and a big huge setup... You see, even if I die accidentally... people will think about what I said, and if I can just make someone think ONCE in my life... someone that can look at me in the eyes that is... I'll be fullfiled.

Maybe if I could have a friend I would be fullfiled too... but my head is so full of "whats not a friend" that even the best people I know I think that they are subconsciously laughing in my face... I get ZERO coherence from my surroundings, emotional, mental or even physical. I constantly feel like the only balanced person I know... in so many ways. And I did meet vegans and healthy eating people and all... they wont even try fucking living grains... you see what I mean ?

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

I put it in their face and they wont even taste it !!! Psychonauts too... whats the problem with living grain... it even tastes great !?

they will eat sprouts tho... but there not much "electricity" left in fully germinated grains... it wont give you energy for the whole day, it will make you high like speed tho...

PEOPLE LOVE SPEED... yeah great fuck I'm so freakin angry. People who try to warn others about the NWO and its evil plan are not even into lucid dreaming... I'M STILL FREAKIN ALONE IN THE GARDEN !!!

If you're not here, or at least on your way here, its like being on a chess board, black or white... you still work into the game, even if you're a WHITE KNIGHT. Whats so hard to understand...

I know some of you do understand that however... not trying to be extremist in those toughts...

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

How can I explain the pain of seeing everyone who is supposed to change themselves to change the world get lucid in their dreams and instantly look for quick sex or other entertainment so they can enjoy themselves while the dream lasts ?!

You think it's because I'm not a guru that noone listens to me ? I see every living being dream and I am forced to watch, I am the garden AND the stranger... I AM the waterbearer !

how complicated it has to become, how mystic it has to be for people to actually even get interested ?

 

[Brugmansia]

Hey, easy Sam.

I know your location, since I have practised the residence in the wad of cotton wool myself but I couldn't stay there and I truly admire the cradle you guard to nourish it and also understand empathically why you won't and can't leave.

Don't unplug the bio-adapter within your self please, I know you're well educated about susceptibility and mentalism and each individual you encounter is a dolt in your eyes but remember it are them who're living a numbed dream and that's why your "medicines" and health notifications won't take effect on them. Your stroking feathers ain't felt on their bodies of concrete. This is the time tight big men and the dazed women.

You're an aquarius, so is my younger brother, and I recognise some similaries in the thought fields. It's not like you're craving for attraction but your diligence to your valuable divine worship is seen as a jewellery while in your own perception it's even more important that it survives than the guarantee of your own living posture.

Just give it a bit, my stomach will squeal if you erase yourself, and I'll refuse to masticate you. Your intelligence is used for the proper way of virginity.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c ... -nevit.jpg

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

Hmm that strangely looked like an AI neuro-array... thanks for the acknowledgements I guess.

I remember you clearly walking on the outskirts, but you turned on your heels like there was fire somewhere, I wasn't sure you would even remember, well done brother I guess, even if I took it a little personally...

But I always do... so no hard feelings. You remind me of a friend I had that used to say I was dwelling between worlds always in counterbalance. He also wouldn't walk in, seemingly troubled when the daemons run around for a spin. Most people forget they are not conscious entities, just magnetic waves ; well as long as people do not bargain their consciousness against their favors...

I'm holding on... It's so contradictory the feeling, I feel so lucky to live in a country with abundant food even if the winter is extreemly harsh and long ; yet at the same time I feel like I am starving. I could eat the whole day long stopping only for slight exercise and rest... it scares me sometimes as I get those emotional surges.

I ate tons of datura once in such a disorientated moment to try and finish the pain I felt in my heart... I woke up 30 hours later and hadn't moved an inch... the taste of nothing in water was so blissful afterwards that I didn't think about it again until now. I think the tooth pain and bacteria are driving me nuts ; I'm running high fever as well heeh. I'm honestly surprised I'm still alie after all this body endured ! We can call it a miracle !

 

[Brugmansia]

Thence. Remember I went through domestication. I was too whimsical in a groyne because my index card declined the villainous conduct out there.

 

[Illegalsmile]

the age of aquarius is coming


and sorry i guess i dont really "know" you
but i read much of your posts and just wanted to throw that out

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

There is noone to judge you here, the head of the fish has been cut off in front of my eyes, love pervaded space while I was looking down one womans eyes...

I set the tone but not the future, we should celebrate the end of an utopia that stood for too long, supression of mankind's most savage desires.

Tt is not 2012, it is now and all NWO claims to power shall be considered forfeited lest the step up today and kneel, naked, begging for my mercy. Watch them all fade to oblivion, scales melting to tears to glide the eternal sea. Nothing ever ends ; order never came out of chaos, they are sterile lovers who celebrate my birth which is now, ever was and shall always be.

Tonight I recreate the universe, it is midnight, more or less... nobody's perfect huh...

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

Btw Bru... your progression in english is phenomenal ! Here's a little sweet treat

The Fisherman by William Butler Yeats

Although I can see him still.
The freckled man who goes
To a grey place on a hill
In grey Connemara clothes
At dawn to cast his flies,
It's long since I began
To call up to the eyes
This wise and simple man.
All day I'd looked in the face
What I had hoped 'twould be
To write for my own race
And the reality;
The living men that I hate,
The dead man that I loved,
The craven man in his seat,
The insolent unreproved,
And no knave brought to book
Who has won a drunken cheer,
The witty man and his joke
Aimed at the commonest ear,
The clever man who cries
The catch-cries of the clown,
The beating down of the wise
And great Art beaten down.

Maybe a twelvemonth since
Suddenly I began,
In scorn of this audience,
Imagining a man,
And his sun-freckled face,
And grey Connemara cloth,
Climbing up to a place
Where stone is dark under froth,
And the down-turn of his wrist
When the flies drop in the stream;
A man who does not exist,
A man who is but a dream;
And cried, 'Before I am old
I shall have written him one
poem maybe as cold
And passionate as the dawn.'

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

and for those who have the patience, this is another sweet gift I received :

http://etext.virginia.edu/stc/Coleridge/poems/Rime_Ancient_Mariner.html[/quote]

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

The physical pains, the frustration of finding a good friend (male or female) or people taking me seriously, and even the bankruptcy are very familiar themes to me. Of course in other respects our lives differ vastly, and sorry for never getting into the germinated grains thing. I did try though, but that was quite soon after I got a molar extracted and it just didn't work out. I might try again later this year.

 

[restin]

I have not been where you are. All I can give is my deepest wish for your life to get better and an ear that listens. Giving up your life for other people, it seems not worth it. I don't believe that people will wake up soon, it is a process that will go one for years,decades,centuries.

I have no real friends either, interesting to observe I am not the only one (wanna be friends? ), it is a sad realization and it gnaws on me as well.

Hm by the way, synchronity is a funny thing. I just read an extract from the Ancient Mariner in Frankenstein (which I am reading now) and you just posted it...scary

 

[IJesusChrist]

Ahuax, I actually took your advice with grains quite literally and strongly - it sounded very intelligent to me, and I use it almost on a weekly basis.

I only eat granola bars now (fully germinated, I know) but I was definitely going to make a small hydroponics garden when I have space and money, and eat small budding plants from it because it seemed so logical .

I think you are lonely ahuax, as we all get from time to time. Sometimes it lasts a long time, and it will test even the most logical. But don't be afraid, don't fear lonliness, for when you believe you are alone, that is the only time you are alone. It is a catch 22, you must not think about it, but in order to not think about it you probably will, but again... you'll see the end of it.

As for suicide, I don't know why we got the idea to kill ourselves (as a race) its odd to me. I've felt it too - I've never thought of actually doing it, but man does it seem great at times right? But then I realize how warped my thinking was at the time, how high I was on the naturals, I couldn't even realize I was thinking like that.

Ahuax, you are very smart, but I think you have alot of time on your hands, and alot of time, and alot of thinking, with a bit of lonliness mixed in is never good. I would definitely be a friend of yours, in fact you sound exactly like 3 of my very close friends. I think they're crazy, but I love them for that. They think for themselves, and they can endure anything.


It will go away. In time. Keep growing your plants, and eating healthy, there is no cure for your thoughts externally, that was my downfall - the cure for your thoughts is completely internal. Good luck buddy, we all keep you close in mind and heart.

 

[Forkbender]

Please help.

What can we do?

 

[GOD]

Tell him the truth .

Wotsit you and this thread are the reason that i came back to the site . When i`ve slept a bit and condensed my thoughts i will post one more post in this thread . I want to get the wording right and get it as small as posible so it is obvious and cant be missunderstood . The rest is up to you .

In the mean time Wotsit take care of yorself and dont do anything drastic .

 

[Brugmansia]

Tell him the truth.