spyinthecab
Matrice périnatale
- Inscrit
- 1 Mar 2010
- Messages
- 12
Before 2011 I hadn't conjured the courage to try *intense* psychedelic drugs. Since the beginning of this year I've tried over 20 new drugs, cocaine, crack, suboxone, mdpv (someone should really ask about my experience with this drug), methylone, 4-fluoromethamphetamine/fluoroamphetamine, psilocybin mushrooms, phenazepam, 5meodalt, 2ce, and...wow, a lot more.
I've done 2c-e around 10-13 times (this experience being my last time), never measuring milligrams (foolish but I embrace the fact that I am still alive) I would always allow my ex boyfriend to eyeball measurements and give them to me, always hesitant to measure for myself. There is one experience in particular that I'd like to cover in this, and it's going to be difficult to put it all into words.
If I could guess how many mgs I took by comparing my line of powder to images I've seen of 2ce in capsules, I'd say I took a fairly heroic dose for someone with hardly ANY, REAL experience with psychedelics prior to one mushroom trip that 2ce blew out da wawtuh. Maybe 30-35 milligrams. I took the powder and I swallowed it, created a playlist of buddhist mantras on youtube, and lied around patiently waiting for the effects to come on. This was my last 2c-e trip, also. My ex had left me in the computer room, there was a bed in there, while he went outside to write in his journal. I chanted for a while, researched 2ce (something I verily enjoy doing while on a drug/waiting for the effects of a drug to come on) The first noticeable effect was extreme physical discomfort. I could not get comfortable being still, so I would shake my legs, feet, wave my arms around, constantly changing positions. I got really sweaty and felt cold at the same time, felt a bit nauseated, decided to go and throw up in the bathroom. After throwing up I proceeded to shake around in bed while listening to Deva Premal when I noticed that when I looked through the crack of the almost closed door in the computer room, there was a glowing green light coming from the hallway. My state of mind had began to change. I felt incredibly spiritual and saw the glowing green light as an entity/entities that were coming to greet me. I remember smiling as I had witnessed what looked like a laser cutting forms into the walls of the room with various neon colors. The forms turned into people. Not normal people, but tribalesque looking people, ancient people. I've seen them every time I've done 2c-e but never this vividly. I stared at them for a while before my vision became blurry and I buried my face into the pillow I was lying on. Now this part is really difficult to explain, I'll try my best. If you go to youtube and type in gaspar noe's enter the void DMT sequence and listen to the noises the visuals seem to be making as they form and dwindle away, I heard a noise very similar but more faint, and I could also feel it. I thought of this as transparent entities gracefully floating above and around me, embracing me. I then experienced a pretty 'gnarly' rush of energy that traveled from the pit of my stomach to my finger tips. I was able to work with the energy by moving my fingers apart from one another and then moving them back. Kind of like the movements you would imagine a ventriloquist's hand making as he or she makes the strings of a puppet move. The energy remained in the tips of my fingers and in the empty space between them. I felt very positive. Powerful, even. I was convinced that I was in some way communicating to entities through energy. The mantras inspired that thought, 2ce gave birth to it. So I was working with energy for I don't know how long when I decided to change the music to something more psychedelic. Spacemen 3. I believe I was listening to Ode To Street Hassle when I looked at the sidebar of video suggestions on youtube and read, "FOR ALL OF THE FUCKED UP CHILDREN OF THE WORLD" in the same text as what's in the book Be Here Now by Ram Dass. A week prior to this trip my friend allowed me to borrow that book and I eagerly explored it, finishing it in one night. The fact that I had read that after so recently being introduced to the works of Ram Dass made me feel as if the video cover was an hallucination (later finding out I had missed out on that Spacemen 3 album) It really tripped me out. I felt...not terrified, but full of curiosity and wonder. So I clicked on the video and started listening to Walkin' With Jesus. I paid great attention to the lyrics in this song and they changed my mood entirely. "You found heaven on earth, gonna burn for your sins" was unnerving to hear. Usually I would read/listen to the lyrics and process them as symbolizing something different. But at that time they scared me. I thought a lot about my life and the lack of actions I had taken for my age. I'm 19. I ventured into contemplating college classes which made me feel worse because I look at college degrees as nothing more than a piece of paper telling anyone that they are capable of doing something I feel most (depending on desired profession) can teach themselves. I hate/hated the idea of going to college and I hated the idea of working in retail seeing as how in the small town I live in and the state of our economy I didn't have much of a choice when it came to work unless I pushed myself to go to college. I dwelled on these things. My ex boyfriend, thank GOD, came inside and distracted me from those thoughts by asking how I felt, my mood changed entirely again. I went from feeling unnerved to happy and full of energy again. We lied down together and enjoyed the silence outside of ourselves while enduring and enjoying the adventures within. I became physically uncomfortable, especially while lying down with him, so I left the computer room and went across the house to his bedroom where I sat down on the bed and zoned out to the visuals I was seeing on the walls and ceiling. They were getting very intense. The ceiling was swirling, the walls were swaying, with closed eyes I could still sense the movements while seeing very precise and crisp clear geometric patterns forming and diminishing in the back of my mind.
My ex boyfriend invited two friends of his over. G-row, who also took interest in psychedelics, and D who just came over to use his computer for work related business. G-row took a dose, went into the living room, flipped a recliner around facing the window, and sat there staring outside. I stayed in his bedroom on the bed, and I started hearing reggae music playing. Probably Bob Marley, I don't know, I can't dig reggae. My ex came in and lied down on the bed with me with his eyes closed. I was paying attention to the music lying down, as well, with closed eyes, when the song seemed to be fading out and I momentarily thought I was on the verge of death and would die when the song was over. The song ended, and as soon as I let out a mental sigh of relief, things got very fucking interesting
I remember opening my eyes and seeing blackness going over the swirling ceiling with a very bright neon purple light expanding in the middle of it. When it expanded over the blackness, the blackness then expanded over that, when I began to feel my body shaking like a machine, a generator, really, is what I compare that feeling to, a generator that's being turned off. Instead of hearing the noise a generator would make when dying out, I felt it, instead. And then I was gone. I had been zapped out of existence, my body. I was unconsciously conscious of my own essence and I was terrified but at the same time not terrified because I couldn't fathom feelings or anything at all aside from simply being. It lasted for maybe 3 seconds, maybe a split second. It felt like eternity, however. I came back to myself and my ex boyfriend wasn't in the room anymore, he was on the back porch. I sat outside, tears filling my eyes, and told him I had just experienced what felt like death or a state of union with the divine that I was not prepared for. He confused this somehow for ego death, which, maybe it was that, but I've heard people take a while to find themselves again after ego loss, and he smiled at me, staring into my eyes. That wasn't the case with me, I was aware of myself and felt normal aside from being on a psychedelic drug . I told him I was going to go inside and sit in the recliner that G-row had left to go and listen to music in the computer room with D because I had to think and I was very astonished and crying. I walked into the living room, looked at the brown walls. BAM, I turned brown. I looked at my arms, they were darker than usual but not brown. I felt brown. Out of the corners of my eyes I could see brown glowing from my nose and around my eyes, but when I looked at my skin elsewhere I couldn't see the brown. Feeling tripped out again I sat in the recliner and looked out of the window with tears running down my face. Patterns of both buddha and shiva were interlacing into one another all over the backyard, varying in intense neon color. Thinking about samadhi I felt accomplished then, and I cried a lot harder. I thought about my life and how I had taken everything for granted, I then felt blessed by the psychedelic phenomena I had experienced because it seemingly revealed the death transition to me and rejuvenated my perception of all things. My perception had been reborn. I've read some of the tibetan book of the dead and Leary's psychedelic manual based on the tibetan book of the dead so I began to contemplate if whether or not I had temporarily entered the first bardo as described in both books. I remember reading that it isn't easy to remain in that state if you achieve it through meditation or psychedelic drugs if you panic or feel terror, which I did. This particular experience has ended every ounce of anxiety I have toward potential ego death or extreme psychedelic phenomena. It had freed me from fear, I began to think of the potential I freshly had as a user of psychedelic drugs without that fear. It made me feel strengthened. I felt pure. The divine had taught me something crucial through necessary means that I otherwise would not have felt enlightened by. I spent quite a while thinking about that. I ventured into thinking more about paradox, be here now, buddhism, the universe, and I jotted a few things down that I could. This is what I wrote
I'm very happy with what I wrote.
It was getting more dim outside so after writing I went out into the backyard, sat down, and stared at the sky. I love how the clouds evaporate and reform for my vision when I'm on 2ce. About 5 times on this, including this particular experience, I have seen the pisces and capricorn signs morphed together in the clouds (in other cases tree tops) with zeus coming after them with a spear. This I don't understand, I doubt I ever will, but the fact that it is recurrent has made me question it quite often and attempt to decipher it. (I never will) My ex boyfriend lived in the country, being outside was beautiful. Behind his house there is a huge field next to the woods, a graveyard back there that is very old, old barns, a lake. His grandparents live next door and have beautiful flowers and fruits/vegetables growing in their garden. It was the perfect setting for a psychedelic, to me.
I'm working my brain to death to try and remember more details of sitting outside, but it's difficult. I do remember being inside later that night with my ex boyfriend, lying down with him in his bed. Only a small lamp was giving light to the room. I looked at his face as we were lying down together and the darkness caused him to look kind of aged, kind of different from the guy I was used to looking at. And this is when I thought I had solved one of the most fundamental secrets of the universe. I thought of him as a stranger. I wondered about how I looked, if my appearance had changed. If I had died. Then I think to myself, "What if when you die you are reincarnated as another persons ego death?" DEEP SHIT, HUH? I was tripped the fuck out, so I got up and went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was very content knowing I hadn't died but in a way wished that question was true because of how much knowledge that would have given to me. I stared in the mirror for a long time. My face was constantly changing, small details were, I was constantly looking like ME but at the same time a lot of my features were rapidly changing and then became more familiar to me. On and off. I focused on my mouth, every time I've done 2ce and I look into the mirror I see myself as prepping to growl. My jaw looks as though it's twitching, like I'm a dog with rabies o sommin. After this point the trip took a pretty steady course. Nice open and closed eye visuals, extreme euphoria, laughter. Feelings of an overload of mucus in my throat and a clogged nose I experience when the effects begin to wear off every time I do it, can others say the same? This trip was life changing. I'm more spiritual than I've ever been, less afraid of life, more aware of death and time. The experience left me with closed eye visuals that continue to this day, and it's granted me a more evolved mind. 8)
I've done 2c-e around 10-13 times (this experience being my last time), never measuring milligrams (foolish but I embrace the fact that I am still alive) I would always allow my ex boyfriend to eyeball measurements and give them to me, always hesitant to measure for myself. There is one experience in particular that I'd like to cover in this, and it's going to be difficult to put it all into words.
If I could guess how many mgs I took by comparing my line of powder to images I've seen of 2ce in capsules, I'd say I took a fairly heroic dose for someone with hardly ANY, REAL experience with psychedelics prior to one mushroom trip that 2ce blew out da wawtuh. Maybe 30-35 milligrams. I took the powder and I swallowed it, created a playlist of buddhist mantras on youtube, and lied around patiently waiting for the effects to come on. This was my last 2c-e trip, also. My ex had left me in the computer room, there was a bed in there, while he went outside to write in his journal. I chanted for a while, researched 2ce (something I verily enjoy doing while on a drug/waiting for the effects of a drug to come on) The first noticeable effect was extreme physical discomfort. I could not get comfortable being still, so I would shake my legs, feet, wave my arms around, constantly changing positions. I got really sweaty and felt cold at the same time, felt a bit nauseated, decided to go and throw up in the bathroom. After throwing up I proceeded to shake around in bed while listening to Deva Premal when I noticed that when I looked through the crack of the almost closed door in the computer room, there was a glowing green light coming from the hallway. My state of mind had began to change. I felt incredibly spiritual and saw the glowing green light as an entity/entities that were coming to greet me. I remember smiling as I had witnessed what looked like a laser cutting forms into the walls of the room with various neon colors. The forms turned into people. Not normal people, but tribalesque looking people, ancient people. I've seen them every time I've done 2c-e but never this vividly. I stared at them for a while before my vision became blurry and I buried my face into the pillow I was lying on. Now this part is really difficult to explain, I'll try my best. If you go to youtube and type in gaspar noe's enter the void DMT sequence and listen to the noises the visuals seem to be making as they form and dwindle away, I heard a noise very similar but more faint, and I could also feel it. I thought of this as transparent entities gracefully floating above and around me, embracing me. I then experienced a pretty 'gnarly' rush of energy that traveled from the pit of my stomach to my finger tips. I was able to work with the energy by moving my fingers apart from one another and then moving them back. Kind of like the movements you would imagine a ventriloquist's hand making as he or she makes the strings of a puppet move. The energy remained in the tips of my fingers and in the empty space between them. I felt very positive. Powerful, even. I was convinced that I was in some way communicating to entities through energy. The mantras inspired that thought, 2ce gave birth to it. So I was working with energy for I don't know how long when I decided to change the music to something more psychedelic. Spacemen 3. I believe I was listening to Ode To Street Hassle when I looked at the sidebar of video suggestions on youtube and read, "FOR ALL OF THE FUCKED UP CHILDREN OF THE WORLD" in the same text as what's in the book Be Here Now by Ram Dass. A week prior to this trip my friend allowed me to borrow that book and I eagerly explored it, finishing it in one night. The fact that I had read that after so recently being introduced to the works of Ram Dass made me feel as if the video cover was an hallucination (later finding out I had missed out on that Spacemen 3 album) It really tripped me out. I felt...not terrified, but full of curiosity and wonder. So I clicked on the video and started listening to Walkin' With Jesus. I paid great attention to the lyrics in this song and they changed my mood entirely. "You found heaven on earth, gonna burn for your sins" was unnerving to hear. Usually I would read/listen to the lyrics and process them as symbolizing something different. But at that time they scared me. I thought a lot about my life and the lack of actions I had taken for my age. I'm 19. I ventured into contemplating college classes which made me feel worse because I look at college degrees as nothing more than a piece of paper telling anyone that they are capable of doing something I feel most (depending on desired profession) can teach themselves. I hate/hated the idea of going to college and I hated the idea of working in retail seeing as how in the small town I live in and the state of our economy I didn't have much of a choice when it came to work unless I pushed myself to go to college. I dwelled on these things. My ex boyfriend, thank GOD, came inside and distracted me from those thoughts by asking how I felt, my mood changed entirely again. I went from feeling unnerved to happy and full of energy again. We lied down together and enjoyed the silence outside of ourselves while enduring and enjoying the adventures within. I became physically uncomfortable, especially while lying down with him, so I left the computer room and went across the house to his bedroom where I sat down on the bed and zoned out to the visuals I was seeing on the walls and ceiling. They were getting very intense. The ceiling was swirling, the walls were swaying, with closed eyes I could still sense the movements while seeing very precise and crisp clear geometric patterns forming and diminishing in the back of my mind.
My ex boyfriend invited two friends of his over. G-row, who also took interest in psychedelics, and D who just came over to use his computer for work related business. G-row took a dose, went into the living room, flipped a recliner around facing the window, and sat there staring outside. I stayed in his bedroom on the bed, and I started hearing reggae music playing. Probably Bob Marley, I don't know, I can't dig reggae. My ex came in and lied down on the bed with me with his eyes closed. I was paying attention to the music lying down, as well, with closed eyes, when the song seemed to be fading out and I momentarily thought I was on the verge of death and would die when the song was over. The song ended, and as soon as I let out a mental sigh of relief, things got very fucking interesting
I remember opening my eyes and seeing blackness going over the swirling ceiling with a very bright neon purple light expanding in the middle of it. When it expanded over the blackness, the blackness then expanded over that, when I began to feel my body shaking like a machine, a generator, really, is what I compare that feeling to, a generator that's being turned off. Instead of hearing the noise a generator would make when dying out, I felt it, instead. And then I was gone. I had been zapped out of existence, my body. I was unconsciously conscious of my own essence and I was terrified but at the same time not terrified because I couldn't fathom feelings or anything at all aside from simply being. It lasted for maybe 3 seconds, maybe a split second. It felt like eternity, however. I came back to myself and my ex boyfriend wasn't in the room anymore, he was on the back porch. I sat outside, tears filling my eyes, and told him I had just experienced what felt like death or a state of union with the divine that I was not prepared for. He confused this somehow for ego death, which, maybe it was that, but I've heard people take a while to find themselves again after ego loss, and he smiled at me, staring into my eyes. That wasn't the case with me, I was aware of myself and felt normal aside from being on a psychedelic drug . I told him I was going to go inside and sit in the recliner that G-row had left to go and listen to music in the computer room with D because I had to think and I was very astonished and crying. I walked into the living room, looked at the brown walls. BAM, I turned brown. I looked at my arms, they were darker than usual but not brown. I felt brown. Out of the corners of my eyes I could see brown glowing from my nose and around my eyes, but when I looked at my skin elsewhere I couldn't see the brown. Feeling tripped out again I sat in the recliner and looked out of the window with tears running down my face. Patterns of both buddha and shiva were interlacing into one another all over the backyard, varying in intense neon color. Thinking about samadhi I felt accomplished then, and I cried a lot harder. I thought about my life and how I had taken everything for granted, I then felt blessed by the psychedelic phenomena I had experienced because it seemingly revealed the death transition to me and rejuvenated my perception of all things. My perception had been reborn. I've read some of the tibetan book of the dead and Leary's psychedelic manual based on the tibetan book of the dead so I began to contemplate if whether or not I had temporarily entered the first bardo as described in both books. I remember reading that it isn't easy to remain in that state if you achieve it through meditation or psychedelic drugs if you panic or feel terror, which I did. This particular experience has ended every ounce of anxiety I have toward potential ego death or extreme psychedelic phenomena. It had freed me from fear, I began to think of the potential I freshly had as a user of psychedelic drugs without that fear. It made me feel strengthened. I felt pure. The divine had taught me something crucial through necessary means that I otherwise would not have felt enlightened by. I spent quite a while thinking about that. I ventured into thinking more about paradox, be here now, buddhism, the universe, and I jotted a few things down that I could. This is what I wrote
I'm very happy with what I wrote.
It was getting more dim outside so after writing I went out into the backyard, sat down, and stared at the sky. I love how the clouds evaporate and reform for my vision when I'm on 2ce. About 5 times on this, including this particular experience, I have seen the pisces and capricorn signs morphed together in the clouds (in other cases tree tops) with zeus coming after them with a spear. This I don't understand, I doubt I ever will, but the fact that it is recurrent has made me question it quite often and attempt to decipher it. (I never will) My ex boyfriend lived in the country, being outside was beautiful. Behind his house there is a huge field next to the woods, a graveyard back there that is very old, old barns, a lake. His grandparents live next door and have beautiful flowers and fruits/vegetables growing in their garden. It was the perfect setting for a psychedelic, to me.
I'm working my brain to death to try and remember more details of sitting outside, but it's difficult. I do remember being inside later that night with my ex boyfriend, lying down with him in his bed. Only a small lamp was giving light to the room. I looked at his face as we were lying down together and the darkness caused him to look kind of aged, kind of different from the guy I was used to looking at. And this is when I thought I had solved one of the most fundamental secrets of the universe. I thought of him as a stranger. I wondered about how I looked, if my appearance had changed. If I had died. Then I think to myself, "What if when you die you are reincarnated as another persons ego death?" DEEP SHIT, HUH? I was tripped the fuck out, so I got up and went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was very content knowing I hadn't died but in a way wished that question was true because of how much knowledge that would have given to me. I stared in the mirror for a long time. My face was constantly changing, small details were, I was constantly looking like ME but at the same time a lot of my features were rapidly changing and then became more familiar to me. On and off. I focused on my mouth, every time I've done 2ce and I look into the mirror I see myself as prepping to growl. My jaw looks as though it's twitching, like I'm a dog with rabies o sommin. After this point the trip took a pretty steady course. Nice open and closed eye visuals, extreme euphoria, laughter. Feelings of an overload of mucus in my throat and a clogged nose I experience when the effects begin to wear off every time I do it, can others say the same? This trip was life changing. I'm more spiritual than I've ever been, less afraid of life, more aware of death and time. The experience left me with closed eye visuals that continue to this day, and it's granted me a more evolved mind. 8)