ssdematt
Neurotransmetteur
- Inscrit
- 17/12/09
- Messages
- 22
Peace be upon all of you,
I am new to this forum, I just wanted to say peace and hello to everyone here. I have been reading lots of posts on here, have learned a lot....
...anyhow, I just thought I'd share what happened to me last night, I like reading others' trip reports as well, always good to share & give....
I prepared my bedroom by putting the mattress on the floor, and lighting five candles for low-level illumination, and switched off the TV set. I put about a fairly decent sized pinch of 30x in a good bowl, filling only a little space at the bottom. Packed it in and fired it up, and the whole dose was burned & inhaled in one hit. I held it in as long as I could - maybe 30 seconds, maybe a little more, but when I exhaled time had disappeared and I was in some kind of "eternal now". My physical body was no longer there in the sense of the illusion; I attempted to get up and go lay down in bed, then realized I couldn't move, and that I was already in bed. I reached out for my pack of cigarettes; I could not pick them up or hold them; looking at my hand, it was no longer just a hand; it was bits and segments of energy, little bits of light swirling around. I tried to get my cigs; my hand went right through them; they were vibrating with the same energy I was made out of. I felt like I was dissolving into the bed, and the floor.
Repressed thoughts in my mind suddenly came to the forefront; thoughts I did not ever want to think about. My embarrassing (to me) sexual fantasies and other repressed things begin to be experienced not just as fantasies; I was seeing the people and situations I had fantasized about (but refused to truly feel and experience) as if I was there with them; I was living their lives.
Fear began to set in - big time. As my repressed sexuality and shame was brought to the forefront, I began to scream at my manifesting "darkness". I was screaming, "No, no, no!! Get the fuck back!! Get the fuck away from me!! Don't make me think about these things!!" I was swinging my arms around wildly, trying to move away, ANYTHING to get away from things that were in my mind, but that I was too timid to deal with. Ms. Salvia was forcing me to deal with my sexual issues, among other things.
A vision appeared in front of me (or maybe it was in my mind, who knows for sure?) of a cellblock and hallway in some prison or jail. The vibes of people in jails and prisons starting flowing into me whenever I looked at that jail hallway in front of me. I saw the lives of everyday, ordinary people who did "bad" things, who screwed up, who were incarcerated. I felt a stark, shockingly intense terror of losing my current life experience, and ending up in jail. I was in fear for my cat family, who I love dearly, and realized that they depend on me, and that I must not do things that could put them in any jeopardy. I looked for my cats, but could not see them. Everything was buzzing and vibrating with some primordial energy, but I got no joy from seeing this; I was too busy tripping-out and panicking about losing everything. It felt like hours, years, had gone by since I smoked the bowl.
I started to regret smoking the salvia. Somehow, I felt defeated, vanquished. I felt like a chump who could not handle it properly. I saw a scene play out in my mind; it was the 1960's (before I was "born" in this life, at least), a group of people were on a beach somewhere, sitting around the bonfire, on an acid trip. I saw myself there, I was in another physical body, but I knew it was still "me". I was having a bad trip, freaking out, screaming, with a bunch of people around me trying to calm me. I was having none of it, I just kept on freaking out.
I snapped back to the present moment. I felt like I had done this (salvia, acid,etc) many times before, but none of it had actually transpired in my present life now. I felt like talking to someone, but I doubted many others could understand.
I felt the effect lessening somewhat. I managed to look up at my alarm clock; only 15 minutes had passed, but it felt like a whole lifetime. I managed to get myself up and walk around some. I apologized to my cats for my unusual behavior.
Then thoughts, wisdom started pouring into my mind from somewhere else. I was pacing around the living room, talking to myself, but phrasing the words as if I was addressing an audience, or writing a book. I could clearly see what the problem was. It was not the fault of the drug; it was my fault for refusing to love myself completely. And how can I help and love everyday, ordinary people, teach them to love themselves, if I cannot do it on my own? Something told me, you teach yourself things by teaching others. I had heard this before....but I never understood it as well as I did then. I saw something like a vision: I saw myself teaching friends, teaching strangers, about self-love and accepting yourself no matter what, and various other spiritual truths. Then I saw the experience of the teaching being reflected back to me- no person needed to teach me: I had literally taught myself these things: I and the "others" were actually one and the same. When I had told my friends about these things, I had actually been teaching aspects of myself, not other, separate people.
I called my best friend (who has used salvia before) and explained what I was going through, and what had happened. It seemed to help me, speaking to a friend.
I realized that there was just no way I could truly rep everyday people in this world without loving myself in fullness: if I can't accept my own "darkness" and love it for what it is, how the hell can I help "others"?? If I and them are one and the same, by failing to love myself properly, I have failed the whole world. If I could just figure out a way to get past the ego, get past the worldly roadblocks in my psyche, I could send love to the whole world, the whole Universe: and experience it as well.
I finally had come down most all the way; all that was left was a tingling in my body, and thoughts rushing through my mind. I kept chain-smoking to reassure myself. The total "time" that had gone by was 35 minutes.
Looking back, I realize that I should have had someone else there with me when I did this. And I think I could have had a lot better set and setting: my apartment building is 65 years old, and the vibes here are very heavy, multi-layered, and often negative-feeling. I realize now that I actually learned a hell of a lot. I did receive a very intense lesson from Ms. Salvia (it did feel as if there was a female-type vibe to the experience). As a gay man, I repressed my sexual feelings intensely as a child. I remember being 6 years old, and realizing that I was "gay" and that the world didn't look at that as a good thing. And ever since then, I think that somehow I had continued repressing my true sexual feelings while fleetingly fantasizing about them at the same time. I was never in the "closet", though. I seem to be open about my gayness- but repressed at the same "time". And when I smoked the salvia, the conflicts between the feelings and thoughts became manifest; became an experience, not just a thought. I wanted to love myself; except that when I saw myself as a gay person, I hated myself for it! I think that if I could somehow accept and love my sexuality, I could blaze past my ego blocks and reach a positive experience.
Again, thanks for reading, I hope my experience can help others!!
Peace,
Matt
I am new to this forum, I just wanted to say peace and hello to everyone here. I have been reading lots of posts on here, have learned a lot....
...anyhow, I just thought I'd share what happened to me last night, I like reading others' trip reports as well, always good to share & give....
I prepared my bedroom by putting the mattress on the floor, and lighting five candles for low-level illumination, and switched off the TV set. I put about a fairly decent sized pinch of 30x in a good bowl, filling only a little space at the bottom. Packed it in and fired it up, and the whole dose was burned & inhaled in one hit. I held it in as long as I could - maybe 30 seconds, maybe a little more, but when I exhaled time had disappeared and I was in some kind of "eternal now". My physical body was no longer there in the sense of the illusion; I attempted to get up and go lay down in bed, then realized I couldn't move, and that I was already in bed. I reached out for my pack of cigarettes; I could not pick them up or hold them; looking at my hand, it was no longer just a hand; it was bits and segments of energy, little bits of light swirling around. I tried to get my cigs; my hand went right through them; they were vibrating with the same energy I was made out of. I felt like I was dissolving into the bed, and the floor.
Repressed thoughts in my mind suddenly came to the forefront; thoughts I did not ever want to think about. My embarrassing (to me) sexual fantasies and other repressed things begin to be experienced not just as fantasies; I was seeing the people and situations I had fantasized about (but refused to truly feel and experience) as if I was there with them; I was living their lives.
Fear began to set in - big time. As my repressed sexuality and shame was brought to the forefront, I began to scream at my manifesting "darkness". I was screaming, "No, no, no!! Get the fuck back!! Get the fuck away from me!! Don't make me think about these things!!" I was swinging my arms around wildly, trying to move away, ANYTHING to get away from things that were in my mind, but that I was too timid to deal with. Ms. Salvia was forcing me to deal with my sexual issues, among other things.
A vision appeared in front of me (or maybe it was in my mind, who knows for sure?) of a cellblock and hallway in some prison or jail. The vibes of people in jails and prisons starting flowing into me whenever I looked at that jail hallway in front of me. I saw the lives of everyday, ordinary people who did "bad" things, who screwed up, who were incarcerated. I felt a stark, shockingly intense terror of losing my current life experience, and ending up in jail. I was in fear for my cat family, who I love dearly, and realized that they depend on me, and that I must not do things that could put them in any jeopardy. I looked for my cats, but could not see them. Everything was buzzing and vibrating with some primordial energy, but I got no joy from seeing this; I was too busy tripping-out and panicking about losing everything. It felt like hours, years, had gone by since I smoked the bowl.
I started to regret smoking the salvia. Somehow, I felt defeated, vanquished. I felt like a chump who could not handle it properly. I saw a scene play out in my mind; it was the 1960's (before I was "born" in this life, at least), a group of people were on a beach somewhere, sitting around the bonfire, on an acid trip. I saw myself there, I was in another physical body, but I knew it was still "me". I was having a bad trip, freaking out, screaming, with a bunch of people around me trying to calm me. I was having none of it, I just kept on freaking out.
I snapped back to the present moment. I felt like I had done this (salvia, acid,etc) many times before, but none of it had actually transpired in my present life now. I felt like talking to someone, but I doubted many others could understand.
I felt the effect lessening somewhat. I managed to look up at my alarm clock; only 15 minutes had passed, but it felt like a whole lifetime. I managed to get myself up and walk around some. I apologized to my cats for my unusual behavior.
Then thoughts, wisdom started pouring into my mind from somewhere else. I was pacing around the living room, talking to myself, but phrasing the words as if I was addressing an audience, or writing a book. I could clearly see what the problem was. It was not the fault of the drug; it was my fault for refusing to love myself completely. And how can I help and love everyday, ordinary people, teach them to love themselves, if I cannot do it on my own? Something told me, you teach yourself things by teaching others. I had heard this before....but I never understood it as well as I did then. I saw something like a vision: I saw myself teaching friends, teaching strangers, about self-love and accepting yourself no matter what, and various other spiritual truths. Then I saw the experience of the teaching being reflected back to me- no person needed to teach me: I had literally taught myself these things: I and the "others" were actually one and the same. When I had told my friends about these things, I had actually been teaching aspects of myself, not other, separate people.
I called my best friend (who has used salvia before) and explained what I was going through, and what had happened. It seemed to help me, speaking to a friend.
I realized that there was just no way I could truly rep everyday people in this world without loving myself in fullness: if I can't accept my own "darkness" and love it for what it is, how the hell can I help "others"?? If I and them are one and the same, by failing to love myself properly, I have failed the whole world. If I could just figure out a way to get past the ego, get past the worldly roadblocks in my psyche, I could send love to the whole world, the whole Universe: and experience it as well.
I finally had come down most all the way; all that was left was a tingling in my body, and thoughts rushing through my mind. I kept chain-smoking to reassure myself. The total "time" that had gone by was 35 minutes.
Looking back, I realize that I should have had someone else there with me when I did this. And I think I could have had a lot better set and setting: my apartment building is 65 years old, and the vibes here are very heavy, multi-layered, and often negative-feeling. I realize now that I actually learned a hell of a lot. I did receive a very intense lesson from Ms. Salvia (it did feel as if there was a female-type vibe to the experience). As a gay man, I repressed my sexual feelings intensely as a child. I remember being 6 years old, and realizing that I was "gay" and that the world didn't look at that as a good thing. And ever since then, I think that somehow I had continued repressing my true sexual feelings while fleetingly fantasizing about them at the same time. I was never in the "closet", though. I seem to be open about my gayness- but repressed at the same "time". And when I smoked the salvia, the conflicts between the feelings and thoughts became manifest; became an experience, not just a thought. I wanted to love myself; except that when I saw myself as a gay person, I hated myself for it! I think that if I could somehow accept and love my sexuality, I could blaze past my ego blocks and reach a positive experience.
Again, thanks for reading, I hope my experience can help others!!
Peace,
Matt
