a little bit traumatised braineater

[BrainEater]

well maybe it was relatively obvious from some shit that i have written... anyway, i just felt like opening a topic about it, because although it's a little bit sad, it seems it's still something that should be processed/ lived up properly.
basically, i had found myself in uncomfortable situations a few times too much... sometimes even a bit wicked in a bad way.. i guess what bothers me the most is when i allow stupid people to influence my positive moods too easily.
but yeah, i just can't get how people can be so mean and cruel... it's unreal!!


quite a while ago i was into reading stuff about psychic shit etc etc... someone said when you're sensitivity to feelings and thoughts or sensitivity in general gets heightened, then you might want to have some sort of energy shields.
i figured out that's possibly quite true...
i would say, it's a different type of becoming cold when people are evil and don't stop when you tell them to.
you got to be able to say "no"!!! that's really important!!!
because you should know what it means to love yourself and what it doesn't mean.
furthermore it seems to me this topic is a bit repeating throughout history and the forum.
a common speculation is that the lesson keeps coming back until it's learnt properly. i think it's probably true.
what i had rather painfully been learning is it doesn't help a lot if at all to hate the imbecile and rude people.
if you hate, then only with a really pure or purified feeling. can't explain it very well..
it made me really sad how stupid people and society made me not love myself...
it's just not always easy to let go of all the negative shit... so much subliminal violence...
i don't watch TV anymore and don't go out so much anymore...
my wish for myself and for everyone else is that we can have real peace.
this is a cry for human dignity. i really prefer crying instead of being or seeming to be oh so tough or so...
not that i can't be tough, but honor before pride!
again, i can't really explain it very well... it's like it disgusts me totally when i find myself being mean also
and then even to people that don't even got to anything with it or so...
man, how much i hate all forms of violence!!!! :?

lately i am enjoying more than ever watching the trees in the wind... not that i hate all of humanity all the time,
but sometimes people just seem so inhumane. i think it would be so much more fun if people could be really nice to each other...
hmm yeah... maybe i am searching too much for inner peace instead of just allowing it to be there.
also i simply don't want to have certain states of minds anymore at all and it has been more than time now for a while to drastically raise my brain frequency.
i guess it sounds a bit stupid, but maybe it would be enough if we all just could let go of the negative shit.




peace

 

[Finarfin]

People can be very mean and cruel indeed. When confronted with the dark side of reality alot, it can get to you. It may make you.depressive or angry. What i found in my search for inner peace is that inner peace is not the absence of feelings and emotions. It is not total detachement from emotion. For me inner peace is allowing yourself to feel emotions to be angry, sad or happy. allowing emotions is not the same as being controlled by them. It is accepting feelings. Not fighting your feelings or trying to ignore them. I try to remember to be in the moment in the here and the now. I try to have a calm and accepting attitude towards emotions of myself and other people. As meditation master thich nath hanh said: Holding your anger (emotions) like you hold a baby. And if there is a need to expres emotions don,t hold back.

 

[Finarfin]

my personal journey for inner peace started with psychonautic exploration and reading a lot about western and eastern religion, philosophy, mysticism and occultism. The last couple of years i started to sort of develope my own attitude towards life. An attitude that brings me inner peace and that is for me a spiritual attitude. This attitude i would discribe as not searching or longing for an ideal. Not searching or wanting to search for enlightenment. for me there is no need for a search any longer because i am (we are) already here in the now. This is it. It,s in the here and now not in the future or in the past. not in enlightenment or in a utopia. The word utopia means perfect place and also a place that is nowhere or that does not exist. The perfecf place is in the here and now where you already are. You may not always like the here and now, however it is where you belong. For me being in the here and now is a spiritual mystical or sacred experience. The mystical i think is not something that needs understanding or that can be understood. It is not a philosophy it is not intellectual. It is also not against philosophy or the intellectual. It is about allowing yourself to be (yourself) in the here and now. Ofcourse Allowing is not the same as agreeing with everything and everybody.

 

[BrainEater]

hey thanks very much for the good response!! i like what you say and i think it's true and very helpful. personally i can say i had suppressed my real emotions a lot. it almost felt like i had killed myself. so if i learnt something from all that pain, i know now how important it is to just be myself. yeah and of course the here and now is very crucial. maybe it means i have to focus more on the "i am" and practice a little bit more to let thoughts drift by. i guess inner peace is definately probably the most amazing thing. the question is why exactly do we fool ourselves so much. i noticed at least in myself there had been a tendency for that. as if my subconscious got ill and corrupted, it's not easy to put into words...i don't know i just want to break free from all the lies and mental imprisonment. possibly it's also a factor that time is very psychological.
hmm maybe the part in me that is fighting myself is not really myself?? :Oo: aranoid:
there are many levels of emotion. emotions can also be finetuned. :idea:
i feel angry, sad and disturbed. :'(
if all that goes on i will probably kill myself.


peace

 

[Finarfin]

It,s alarming to see you write about killing yourself. I do not know it,s meant as a metaphor or if you,re serious. If you are serious about contemplating suicide please seek help. By destroying yourself you only bring more pain and suffering into this world.

Humans have the capacity to fool themselves. Humans are not the only ones who do this. In nature there is a lot of fooling going on. Animals fool themselves and others to make believe there something other then themselves. Think of animals using camouflage or non poisonous snakes that have the colors of poisonous snakes.
Humans often fool themselves because it is easier to fool yourself then to confront your self or to be your true authentic self.

If you have the feeling that your subconscious is ill or corrupted, maybe it is because your subconscious got contaminated. How it got contaminated i do not know. It may have to do with a trauma, something that happened in the past. If you can not put the past (old pains) to rest it may come back to hunt you.

Time is indeed psychological. The past is a projections made up by the mind by memories. The future is projection made up by expectation and such.
Only the now is true time. And even the now can sometimes feel like a dream. We can never leave the now but we do it all the time by thinking of the past and future.

The part of you that is fighting yourself i think is still part of you. How can it be otherwise? if it is not you, who or what is it?
If there is a fight there must be a source of this fight. Is there a root for this fight and the feelings you feel. Is there something is the past or your childhood. Maybe something with your family. If you can find the source of this fight. The root of this problem there may be a way to cure your contaminated subconscious and to find inner peace.
I have a feeling that inner peace will only come to you if you,re ready. If you,re fighting yourself or if you,re neurotic you wont find inner peace and inner peace will not find you. Most people more or less suffer form neurosis (myself included). Traumas usually are the result of trauma.
I think it is possible to heal the neurosis and find inner peace. However finding inner peace will not take away emotions such as anger or sadness. If you feel angry just be angry. Express your anger and your sadness. Write down why you feel anger sadness and why you feel disturbed. Write down how it feels. Maybe talk to someone about it.

And please seek help if you feel you,re losing it.

 

[BrainEater]

thank you again!! it's good help!! i am sorry i wrote about killing myself. it was probably stupid. so i guess i do want to live on, but god has to stop with all the bullshit.
or from a certain perspective i wonder why i am doing such stupid shit to myself. maybe it could be really simple.. as simple as shifting a gear.
i also think it's something like making the shift at the root of the feeling or rather lack of feeling. the neurosis certainly bothers me a lot. why think thoughts that i don't want to think at all..?? it feels like other people benefit from my suffering like that. i feel that i had given my power away, by thinking my emotions were unimportant and shit like that. yeah it's just kind of really sad. anyway...
so i hope it will be over very soon and i can really be myself again...
well i guess i'll just have to really relax and then look within. :retard:



peace

 

[Finarfin]

If your mood is easily influence by stupid people, remember that you can not change most of these stupid people. I know there are a lot of stupid people in the world. And you can not change all of them. Why focus on what you can not change. What you can change is the self. By changing the self, your changing the world. Healing the subconscious and healing yourself from neurosis. Maybe your not ready to change the self right now. Global (inner) peace can only happen if we find peace within our selfs (first). The inner and the outer are deeply connected.They are in union with each other. If you change yourself the world will change. You may make it a better place. You may help people.
Everything is always changing. Nothing stays the same. You and i are part of the transformation of humankind and so is everybody else. We are all mutants. We are in the process mutating as we speak. Maybe someday we will evolve into a more loving humankind. Just remember that you are part of that change.

I am afraid i sound like a know it all. This is how i see things at the moment. I don,t really know you how feel or what your life is like. So i don,t really know what i am talking about.

 

[BrainEater]

hey that sounds great lol!! it seems to me you are somewhat confirming what i experienced in my life. it seemed to repeat in different forms probably for a reason. maybe because it's an important lesson. i struggled a lot wasting my energy on anger and despair instead of simply "really" focussing on myself. i had some healing experiences, but it seemed to have snapped back somewhat. maybe i was at symptoms of my problem, but not really at the root. but yeah definately what i had been doing wrong is to not pay enough attention to my inner feeling/self. it was very painful.. :tear: :crybaby:
it made me really really sick to pretend to be happy when i wanted to cry and scream. yeah masks of society and shit like that... i would say it's mostly definately not worth it. can mask people even understand real emotion? :-| also i really hate it how so many people are so unrelaxed.
yeah anyways i am totally with you, when it's about a more loving humankind. seriously, from what i've seen from society i can say i've really had enough of all the toughness and fakeness. i would say, if anything, if it's tough and fake it should at least proportionally be multiplied fun. and not people who can only make fun at the cost of others. basically, i'm definately more if not exclusively for real peace and love, even if that sounds cheesy lol... :smirk:
so anyhow, again thank you very much! i think you have given me good impulses and brought some positive energy with you! :+1:



peace

 

[toogoodforyou]

I can relate with you BrainEater

There are too many stupid (or should i say unaware) people around talking simply for the sake of it, talks revolving mostly around money, disease, materialistic possessions or something negative. The media is filled with negative news, fights, accidents, crime or celebrities with massive egos, having their pseudo, illusory self images polished through the media. Unaware people dwell on this news since it resonates with their inner self, and also follow the trends of the celebrities which are hyped by media itself. These unaware people don't give a damn about you or another person's emotions cause they are stuck in a dark pit of achievement and craving attention themselves. But yeah, we have to learn to stop pointing fingers and giving value and energy to all this negative energy, that is the only way to find light.

Everybody out there isn't that cold though, if you invest your emotions in intelligent, wise and loving family/friends you will reap its benefits, and it takes a person to be alone for a while to understand who is on the same wavelength. Despite of finding such people, you will realize in the end we're all alone. Nobody can solve your life for you, you have to do yourself. Although we are all alone in this strange land we can obviously take help of certain people we vibe well with, I'm beginning to believe it is almost necessary to do so. In the end it is up to you to protect and maintain your mental/physical health, happiness, joy, career and dreams. Nobody outside of you is going to be able to do that for you, you may find support and help in people outside of you, in fact you should always seek support, but its you who is going to sort things out.

Also, you may be releasing negative conditionings/momentum accumulated in the past, releasing of such conditioning, habits may take time. Going through this period is inevitable, if you let it complete on its own you may find bliss at the end of this dark tunnel. Maybe you will enter a few other dark tunnels before you find perpetual bliss. Wanting to be alone during this time is perfectly okay, but make sure you have a few loved ones supporting you while you are going through this period.

Another tip, since you are in an unstable position in life, reduce drug use to the minimum, avoid using drugs to escape your emotions cause this will result in accumulation of the negative emotions in your subconscious mind. It will be a temporary escape from reality. I hit rock bottom of my life 2 years back, after which I quit all psychedelics and did yoga, meditation and work for 2 years and everything got back to normal, until the past issues resurfaced again. Now i use soft psychedelics like weed and kratom very rarely and I'm beginning to see light at the end of this dark tunnel again.

Hang on there BrainEater, no need to commit suicide, life will show you its beautiful colors again. Head out in nature and listen to music and meditate, you will get your answers on your own. Exercise to the maximum, either do yoga or do weight training or run a lot, but some form of intense exercise is bound to help you. I've read your posts and they seem pretty brilliant, you can get through this with awareness like that = )

Loads of love and concern your way brother = ) We can do this together.

 

[BrainEater]

hey man... thanks a lot for the great response!!! i think you pointed that out pretty well.
hmmm my life has been quite terrible really for a while, but now i think it seems to slowly be getting better...
i'm living now at my parents house again, at least for a while... it's crazy lol... but it's somehow cool...
i can talk to my parents and they more or less seem to understand me in spite of that there were a little bit
strange vibes/tensions or so sometimes... but yeah i seem to be able to help them a little bit too so that's cool...


well my life story is a bit strange, but maybe an aspect of the "crisis or so" was simply that i had never really lived in a big city before and the last few years i have been living in a big city.
so i'm trying to "really relax" now properly so that i am not standing in the way of my own healing anymore.. (and hopefully not in the way of most other persons' healings)
yeah it was really intense somehow... really relaxing lol what a thought omg!!! i can definately say it really helps to more easily be able to go into the forest or so and i noticed at first it was difficult to let the calmness and peace of the forest in... difficult to describe how i really felt... but i guess "not at peace" could summarize it in a few words.
thanks for reading... and really thanks to god. god is way cool!! :retard: :+1:




peace

 

[SWIMchem5]

Hang in there. I know what it's like to be randomly confronted by stupid violent people. I can relate. I hope your depression goes away and I know you feel like you want to change the world. I felt that way too, but change is beyond the control of the individual. The city is tough. Especially if it's a crappy neighborhood. Life's a glitch! I'm going through stuff myself. I'm going through a lot of anxiety, especially recently.