It´s a bit long, but worth reading if you ask me. Enjoy.
Three weeks ago I harvested my two jars of tampanensis wielding 142 grams. After two weeks of drying that amount turned into 41 grams dried. I started preparing at 8 pm. I sliced a kiwi and put it in a small Tupperware box so I’d have something to eat if I became hungry. I boiled some water and upstairs in my rooms I crushed 7.21 grams dried material with a mortar and pestle. The material was rock hard so I did what I could, and threw it all in the tea. I let it soak for about 20 minutes.
21:00 – baseline
I started drinking the tea, it tasted pretty bitter, more bitter than my previous mushrooms teas. Kind of logical, since I never ingested an amount like this. While drinking, I told the other side I would not enter lighthearted but full of respect, and asked for an experience to help me and everything that surrounds me.
21:15
I started feeling the first effects. I was still sitting behind my computer, and I started feeling restless. I put on some music, but found quickly I’d be feeling better if I was lying in bed. My stomach started to live it’s own life and was somewhat upset, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I threw my clothes on the couch and lay down. I grabbed my Ipod and started listening to the grateful dead.
21:30
Half an hour in, and everything is getting violent. There’s no other word for it, pure violence. It is really kicking in now, I try to open my eyes and I see fractals in my room everywhere. The room’s form is meaningless, corners start to exist everywhere, and every corner is the edge of another corner. Flashing fractal shapes fill the walls and objects in my room. The fractals keep spinning inwards and the room is like a ship on a stormy sea, everything moves so fast and violently and I can’t seem to get a grip on it. Every time I try to focus on a ‘normal’ element in the room it’s shape shifts into something else. The music is getting too intense, and I feel I´m not ready for this yet, not so fast. I always seem to enter other dimensions pretty easily and fast, but this time it came in an aggressive way. I got out of bed because I had the feeling I had to cling onto something in ´reality´. I started walking around in the room and felt alone. My girlfriend was at her own house, and I had a real urge to call her and ask her to come over. But I knew I couldn´t wait that long for her to see her. I couldn´t concentrate on the ´normal´ reality for more than a few seconds and then I´d be slipping away again. I felt alone, and scared. I reminded myself that I asked for this and I should embrace it, but it was tough.
22:00
I wasn’t able to listen to music or see any visual stimulant whatsoever. I had been painting the whole afternoon, but I couldn’t look at my own painting or the mask in it would come for me. It was floating in front of the painting and screaming. I had to leave the room for a few minutes. I went downstairs and took a shower. In the shower I witnessed myself washing my body and the tiles were breathing. I started hearing electronic sounds in my head, like there was a short circuit going on inside. I knew I had to get out of the shower, and started drying off. I cleaned the bathroom, and laughed at myself how I did, so automatically, robot like, like it is a program running in the background. I went back to my room, and tried to watch something calming, so I put on BBC’s Planet Earth. I couldn’t concentrate on all the visual activities in front of me, splashing whales, running tigers and a camera motion along the Grand Canyon. I noticed my PC wasn’t working properly, because it was skipping frames. I saw a frame, and 30 seconds later I’d see the next one. The only thing constantly moving was the wireframe of the Grand Canyon itself which was placed as a layer over the skipping frames. I saw how it was built out of ripples of organic materials, and they kept on rippling, even when we don’t see it with our ‘daily’ eyes. I couldn’t focus, tried to smoke I cigarette, after three inhales I lost it so I went to bed again.
22:34
I put on some music again, but after a minute I already knew I couldn’t handle it. In my previous trips I always listen to music to guide me through, but it was simply too much. The violence returned and smashed me in the head. I had to give up. I still felt alone, so alone and small. The room grew bigger and bigger around me, and I missed my girlfriend more than ever. I needed her. She needs me. I can’t leave her. Here is where I left time. Moss started to grow all over the room.
Inside my mind the fractals keep on spinning and the electronic sounds become more clear and clearer. I felt my pineal gland booming and pulsating, as if it was going to burst. I felt fluids and forces streaming through my head, over my skull. I could feel my skull, every line and every tine bone of it. Some sort of computer like sounds manifest themselves in waves. Clicks and bleeps follow each other randomly. I started seeing Roman and Greek statues. I asked ‘why am I seeing these statues, I am neither Roman nor Greek’. (In my personal life, I am very much interested in Mayan and Aztec culture, and I feel tied to them. I don’t feel like I’ve been a part of the Roman or Greek empire) The voice replied ‘This is you. This is what you are’.
Then the voice told me to leave my girl behind. The fractals changed into a more fleshy organic entity, like DNA strings with small tentacles. I told it that I can’t leave her, we need each other. The voice kept pushing, and finally I listened to it. The strings of the organic entity snapped, and I plunged into the deep. I fell down and down. Or up. I don’t know. A sensation of very, intense fast moving came over me. I gave up, I left my girlfriend, but peace came over me instantly. I landed somewhere, and what I saw and felt was unbelievable. My girlfriend was there. Not her body, nothing visually like her. But it was her, and we were both organic fleshy strings circling around each other. We had been two of one our whole lives, and we will always be. We had known each other this whole life, and the previous lives we lived, and the coming lives we still have to live. We will find each other always and everywhere, because we are one split up in two, like strong magnets that cling onto each other. This gave me peace, and I was ready to move on.
I went somewhere else, still in the organic fractal world. I had to enter some sort of machinelike place. The electronic sounds were no longer randomly being put together, but there was a beautiful symphony playing. Here, my body was taken from me. I saw my body sliding into the scanning machine, and as if my body was thrown into a bath of acid, layers started peeling off. Every layer of skin disappeared before my eyes; I saw my muscles, my skeleton. Then, I was sliced up in parts. I don’t know exactly how many parts; I wasn’t being quartered, but much more than that. Symmetric parts of me, or better, my body, slided apart. It was being put in some sort of container, and I was given a new body. I was kind of the same, but before I could enter it I was being put in a cocoon. When I opened my eyes I was a bacterium. I was in some sort of transparent cocoon, and I could hear and see the other bacteria next to me, we were all in our own cocoon waiting to be born. We were black, octagon shaped living creatures with green spots and stripes in our egg like housings. Everything sounded a bit hollow and echoing. Then birth started. I looked to my left side and saw the last glimpse of the neighbor bacterium. I was shot downwards, into everything we are.
From that moment on I lived a thousand lives and died a thousand deaths. I saw how we coexist with each other, kill each other, love each other and give birth to each other. We eat our own tails to exist. That’s why we fight and have wars. We are all one, and the energy we gain by slaying another is given to the one that falls as well. The biggest joke is that cats and dogs run after their own tails, it’s a metaphor for the lives we all live. All this time the voice told me ‘it’s all good, it’s all good…this is what we are, and it’s all good’.
I started to know how to work with the entity that was showing me all this. It was an octopus like creature, immensely huge, larger than existence. I could hold on to the end of a tentacle, and when another one came by I’d grab that one. There were semitransparent floppy things hanging from the tentacles, moving as a curtain underwater. Each tentacle showed me a life, or pieces of lives. The larger tentacles were infinite shapes growing into each other, and there were larger ones exactly the same, and larger ones the same and so on. The tip of a tentacle is what we see in the daily life, our ‘workable reality’. You can zoom in on a part of a reality and another reality is there, all worlds of its own. I floated upwards. The tentacles came to me and I started saying goodbye to them, and that I was going to miss them. Everything happened so smoothly, it wasn’t a hard goodbye, because we knew we would see each other again.
Then I was being sucked into a hole. This must have been a womb; it was warm, light and safe. I had the same experience as the life in which I was a bacterium, but now I knew I had a human body. Birth was chaotic, intense, but good. I came out of the womb and into the world, and everything was very bright. I couldn’t focus but when I opened my eyes I knew it was over. I was back on earth. My room was like a Mayan temple and there were was a huge square with pyramids on the ceiling. I could see the stairs, almost feel them. I looked at the painting and it didn’t scare me anymore, even if it was as much alive as before.
I smoked a cigarette and sat up in bed, thankful and full of joy. Peace. Tranquility. We are all one.
Then I was suddenly sucked back into the entity for a glimpse of a second. The sucking was a destructive force, and I was smashed back again into the normal reality. My mind short-circuited again, and I was awake. Thinking, how heavy this all was, but it was everything I ever wanted to see. Thank you.
i finished my bachelor for communication&multimedia design, so I'm done studying in school for some time and on to the working class.
